Despertar

caterpillars, chrysalises and butterflies

In my loneliness, I have spent all day in front of Jake's TV, which gets every channel in the universe. Literally five thousand of them. Girl, Interrupted came on. And then, right afterward, The Bone Collector.

In 2000, the year after both movies were released, I was just entering my indefinite Angelina Jolie phase. I bought pre-viewed VHS copies of both movies from Blockbuster, and spent a whole school year watching them obsessively on my new bedroom TV after everyone had gone to bed each night. I remember that there were two or three scenes from each movie that absolutely enthralled me, and that I would rewind at least a dozen times per viewing to watch those scenes over and over and over.

Key differences between then and now:

1. I no longer think Angie deserved the Best Supporting Actress Oscar for Girl, Interrupted. She was okay, I guess, but being a general ham and doing a lot of yelling isn't the same as really channeling a character. I reached this revelation when, watching her final meltdown scene just now, I realized her sociopathic Lisa Rowe screams identically to her grieving Mariane Pearl.

2. Also, though, Jesus, I can barely believe this is the same woman whose bicep is all green with the coordinates of her babies' birthplaces.

3. Briefly, back then, I seriously entertained the idea that I was probably gay. I can't explain, even, how mesmerized I was by her face, her movements. That was six years before sex, though, and I didn't know there was something more to it, to physical attraction, than that kind of jealous admiration. Today I was distracted all through The Bone Collector because my mid kept drifting back to Will Arnett. (I watched The Brothers Solomon before the mini-Angie marathon.) I don't have a real Depp crush on him, or anything. I think I'm just lonely and bored, plus really excited for his and Amy Poehler's baby.

Things that are totally the same:

1. I still have no common sense to guide my viewing habits. I literally sat in front of the TV from noon on, today. I got up four times: once to use the bathroom, three times to pour myself bowls of cereal. In my defense, I got a lot of judging done, and I racked up four potential West Coast W.com hangouts, thank God, but still, seriously. And now I'm watching The Brothers Solomon again, with commentary by Will Forte and Will Arnett.

2. She's still pretty much the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, from the neck up. And I'm still completely unimpressed by her body.

3. The sexual chemistry between her Amelia Donaghy and Denzel Washington's Lincoln Rhyme is still disgusting and ridiculous. Winona Ryder still sucks and I still don't believe Susanna and Lisa didn't have one single lesbian experience together.

*

I can't think about butterflies, though, without thinking of that terrible excerpt from Annie Dillard's An American Childhood.

I don't even want to talk about it.