I'm Studying You

Doug

Call me cheesy, but when I was a kid, this song made me sad. I used to go through my mom's record collection; I think she was a closet hippie. There were drawings all over the sleeves of her lp's that said "flower power" and other kooky shit. I grew up on "the oldies". I think this song is the first time I ever experienced anything emotional connected to music.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H_KY_d9MQv8

The calendar says it's the end of May. Why does it feel like the beginning of March outside?

The calendar also says it's May 23rd. It's my brother's birthday. He'll be 31 today.

Usually in this spot when I refer to a bro or sis, I'm actually speaking of my half-siblings. We're tight enough that to say "half" would be understating the relationship.

But I actually have a biological real brother. I haven't seen him since about this time seven years ago.

Growing up, we never got along. We didn't have the "typical" brotherly relationship. We fought constantly. Verbally, physically, you name it. We hated each other.

We were two completely different people. I was skinny and slight; he was fat and weighed about 100 pounds more than me. I was more, well, notorious than popular; he wasn't. I had friends and girlfriends; he didn't. I played sports; he got stoned. I got pretty good grades and participated in activities; he cut class and broke into cars. We were two completely different people.

The day before I graduated high school I made the most important decision in my life up to that point: I was leaving my mom's house and moving in with my dad (that's a whole 'nother story for a 'nother time). I had to cut ties with one portion of my family for personal reasons. Family is very important to me, even if I don't always show it. Even if my family is in a million pieces right now. Family will always be important to me, even if some days it hardly feels like I have one anymore.

Well, a few years later I was out and on my own. I had gotten home from work one night and my phone rang (this was when I still had a landline phone). It was my brother Doug, whom I hadn't spoken to in about 5 years at the time. He looked me up in the phone book and called me. We talked for a few minutes and decided what the hell, let's meet up for a few beers. We agreed on a spot that was within reason for both of us and talked for awhile.

We're still a contrast of personnas. He was still big, looked like a biker with his leather and tats and beer; I was still dimunitive and professional looking, sipping gin and tonics. We talked a lot about a lot of things; caught each other up. Why I made my decision to leave that side of the family. He understood. For the first time in our lives, we got along. We had a really good time.

From that point on we remained in touch for awhile. I'd invite him to my parties or we'd just get together for a few drinks. The day before Memorial Day 2001, the weekend I was moving in to the apartment I currently reside, we hung out and shot pool at a bar he was working at on the side. It was a good time.

I went to call him a few days or so later, but his phone had been disconnected. I didn't have an address for him other than he was living in the city. I haven't heard from him since.

I sometimes wish I had made more of an effort. I do think about him from time to time. I'm not tremedously sad about it, but I'm at least thankful I got to say "Hey, let's forget the past. You're my brother, and even though we have nothing in common but our last name, I love you."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TD7WCfa6a7I

Happy birthday, Doug. Wherever you are.