I'm Studying You

They never get it right.

First off, I'd like to take a moment, if I may, to expend warm wishes of gratitude and thanks to all the mothers out there. Thanks for putting up with the shenanigans brats like me put you through all these years.

I woke up this morning (well, not really- I was still half-asleep...maybe a little more) and I realized I still hadn't filled out my stepmom's Mothers' Day yet. I wondered what I was gonna put into it. I'm a card giver for all occasions, and I usually don't just "Love, me" at the bottom; I try to include some sort of personal greeting. And as I was laying in bed, still not having opened my eyes yet, this is what I came up with, and got me out of bed so I could stick it in her card: "Back Back"  [E]

Then I decided to go for food at Tim Horton's. They have fantastic coffee and the sangwiches are reasonable. But I have one problem with this place. And it's a big problem. And it's why I rarely ever go there for anything more than ONE cup of coffee.

They fuck everything up.

In all the years I've been going there, not once have they gotten an order right. When planning a Tim Horton's run for your lunch break at work or whatever, you have to schedule yourself enough time to go back on a return trip so they can fix their fuck-ups. Not once have they ever gotten a sandwich right. Never. I wish I were making this up. I swear, sometimes this blog writes itself.

And I usually get the kid at the counter who not only doesn't know what he's doing, but completely looks AND sounds like he doesn't know what he's doing. If I don't know what I'm doing, at least I can fake it. I understand having worked in retail that sometimes you're in a pinch and you need to hire the first kid off the street with a pulse, whether or not he can spell his own name. As long as he can count back change. Lord knows I've hired a few idiots in my time, always to disasterous results. It happens. You do it in hopes of biding your time until someone better comes along so you can weed the idiots out. But I digress...

All I want is a sangwich. No soup. No beverage. I've got my Mountain Dew, I'm straight. I place my order. Kid asks me if I want the combo. I say to myself "Self, the beef barley soup looks good. Getchyer badself some of that." Word. So I say yeah I'll take the combo with Beef Barley soup.

That last statement apparently confused the shit out of the poor kid.

How he managed to spit out "Uhhhh...you...can...only...get...a...donut...
...or a cookie...
...or a muffin...
...or an apple, uhhh...
with a combo meal" without falling into fetal position and weeping like Nancy Kerrigan, I'll never know.

(And if you forgot who Nancy Kerrigan was, click here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6T09XWRkq5M)

So I tell him what I want. Roast Beef sammy. Beef Barley soup. Boy genius asks me if I want to get the Sandwich/Soup combo. Oh for the love of Tim Horton himself! No, snappy, I'll gladly pay you regular price for each separate item. And would you mind using yesterday's roll? Of course I'll take the friggin' combo. "What would you like to drink?" I don't want a drink. "It comes with one." Oh my head! OK, a small decaf coffee (believe me, you don't wanna see this kid overcaffeinated...one Mountain Dew is bad enough). "But I think you have to get the medium, it's like the same price." Dammit! Then I think, if this idiot were trying to sell me a car, he'd have me going from a '96 Neon to an '08 Cadilac with the holy shit upgrade package.

Fine. Now that my $4 sangwich has been upgraded to an $8 meal and I just turned Johnny moron cashier into Employee of the Month, I pay and wait. And wait. Settle at my table with my newspaper and my medium decaf. Look to determine the status of this order. It appears as if no one has begun to make my order. Did they outsource it to Canada, home of the Tim Horton's franchise? Eventually our hero, the cashier, comes up to me and says the best possible thing one could want to hear in this situation (and I hope the sarcasm dripping off of that line doesn't leave a stain on your monitor):

"She just told me that, uhhh, we just ran out of roast beef."

Ahhhh, WHAT?

At this point, I want to eat. I'm pissed. I coulda bitched up a storm. But I'm not like that. Now I want to get the fuck outta dodge. With something. Anything. Throw me a couple of Timbits or something. Fine, I'll take a Turkey Bacon Club. Kid tells me he's gonna owe me some money. Damn right you are, buddy. And give me my food, so I can bid this place adieu.

This is the same place that I stopped at once to get a coffee for myself and a donut for the girl I was seeing. She wanted a plain donut. The round donut with the hole in the middle and nothing else. Easy enough, right? You gotta watch these clowns. I musta took my eye off them; when she opened the bag she got a glazed donut. Bitches.

So I think I'm done with Tim Horton's. Our relationship- kaput. Splitsville. You can keep the kids too.

Let's see...what else is going on? Oh yeah...I was bored yesterday and had my picture taken so I could get an updated pic in here. If you decide to click on it, please...as a friendly warning...do not look directly into the image. Avert your eyes.

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Couldn't find a decent song today. Was kinda in the mood for something edgy, pop-rockish. But then I came across this while looking for "Office Space" clips (three words: Best. Movie. Ever.). The song is very offensive, but the video had me in tears.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCtToN9Ixpw

And a special preview!
Tomorrow we'll feature here Part Two of yesterday's entry, Eulogy: A Response. How did Nicole react when she heard what B was gonna say about her? Drop in tomorrow to find out!

Hope all you moms are gettin' a lotta love today. Peace homies.