I'm Studying You

Five's a criminal??

Yup. Fuck.

After a very frustrating breakfast experience at Subway, I figured I'd dip into the supermarket for some batteries and a Mother's Day card for my stepmom. I bypassed the Hallmark store cuz their signs in the window said "Rock Your Mom" and I thought that to be a little weird and creepy.

So I get to the store and decide to kill a couple minutes playing Quick Draw lotto while I'm shopping and people-watching. I made a couple laps around the store as my Quick Draw games elapsed. I lost, no big thing.

So I'm walkin', got my batteries, card, discman and lotto ticket in my hand. I notice a few employees seem to always be at the opposite end of the aisles I'm in. And after a few minutes they're joined by a suit or 2. What is this? I'm being followed!

Now I realize my wardrobe isn't helping me out in this, looking like some sort of intellectual pimp with my fedora tucked down tight, my glasses and my plushy purple Adidas track jacket. And the cardinal sin of stores...a backpack. I never leave home without a backpack because I usually never know exactly where I'm gonna end up and might need the extra cargo space.

I'm a grown-ass man. Well, ok, I'm short, but I'm grown. I don't need to steal. And if I needed to steal, I still wouldn't...especially batteries or greeting cards...I'd be taking good shit like chocolate and cigarettes .

The suit makes his move and swoops in. Not with a hello or an excuse me. Not exactly polite or discreet either. "When you bring a backpack into this store you have to check it at the office." What?!? I've been shopping at this location for over 14 years. I come here sometimes 2, 3, 8 times a week. Always with my backpack strapped. And now you wanna start enforcing the rules? Bitch please.

I don't see the women lining up to have their purses checked, and I've seen purses big enough you'd swear they were smuggling babies. It'd be a lot easier to shoplift with a purse than a backpack...how obvious would I look in a busy supermarket pulling a backpack off my shoulder, opening it and navigating my plunder around all the other shit I'm carrying?

And furthermore, if I really was gonna steal, do ya really think I was gonna loiter around the aisles for awhile with hot goods on my person? Ohhh hellll naw. Get in, get my shit, get out and be halfway down the block before you realize what just happened...I'm not goin' out like a punk .

So that's been my afternoon so far...all but been accused and strip-searched. And because I'm a little unnerved, I offer you quite possibly the spookiest Radiohead song in their catalog...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O6VTdccCAAM&feature=related
Good freakin' times so far . How's your afternoon?