Journals

Racheal Harper, Decks Ace, April 2001

What do you get when you cross a Maxim Girl Next Door and bunny ears? My first playboy spread! ITS GREAT! They are talking a seven page spread and centerfold.

Tori is gonna kill me. K I L L, Kill me dead. I wonder how I am gonna get her to do it with me. Maybe I will take my top off when I ask. Poor thing, she still thinks that I wont munch a carpet.

It hasn't been all fun and games for me either. Tori and I were a couple. Before the accident, well actually before she decided to cut herself off from everyone, she, logan and I were the ultimate ménage a trio. Ok maybe not a real triad, cuz we didn't do group sex, well except for that time in the body shop, and the hotel in London, and on Uncle Tito's boat. Wait, we had threesome sex a lot!

Now I cant be with anyone here because Tori will figure out that I'm gay, and that I lied. Maybe I could try dating guys again...Na. Without another girl to liven the mood, hookin up with a guy isn't half as fun as everyone says. I miss Tori, the old Tori. She was a cold hard bitch, but she was my bitch. If the ship started sinking, Tori was there with a bucket to keep us floatin.

Ryan told me that I should just tell her what we used to be, and let her decide, but that wont work. What if she does what she did before, push me away. She said it was to keep me safe, but I think she stopped loving me. She wouldn't even touch me. What if she gets her memory back and she remembers why she stopped caring? What happens if I get her back and then have to loose her all over again? She doesn't know what that did to me. I thought about killing myself, had the bottle of Restoril and Bailey's. It was really hard for me not to do it. I ended up stealing the Bugatti and sobbing at an Alfie Hitchcock film fest. I wasn't melodramatic, I was really sad. I still am, oh and Im pissed as hell and I don't want to go through that again.

I think she's gonna have a hemorrhage if I keep flirting. Yesterday I made sure to wear that little blue thong and corset set that she likes so much. I guess when you cant see a certain color, it becomes exotic or something. I dropped by her room before class and was sure to lean in real close, give her a good view of cleavage. She made the cutest little grunting sound when she retreated back to the bathroom. She is so cute. I cornered her in the P.E. office during sixth. She dropped a file and I picked it up, hicking my skirt up when I bent over. Usually just one of those moves could get me a screaming O. Tori knows how to give me the hardest orgasms. She gave me twelve in 20 minutes one time. And then I slept for two days, but it was totally worth it. She does this thing with her hand where she pushes two fingers inside and rubs my g spot while her thumb pushes that big nerve on my clit. I cant do it. Shit I miss her.

But she hasn't broke down. Ill give in, but she has to make the first official move. I think it's a fit punishment for the crime, and it's fun.

I think I've earned my little game. When she as kidnapped, I had to run everything. All I wanted to do was help Luke find her, and he made me stay and hold down the fort. I didn't know how hard her life really was. There were so many people that needed her, and they wouldn't deal with me. I needed her most of all. It was harder because I was so scared that she was gone. Maybe that's why Im willing to take her back, she is a new person, right? Whatev.

Bridgett and the baby are good. Jacob gets bigger everyday, and she says he's healthy. When Tori disappeared, I had to give the preverbal horse head to Miles. I think he thought that if Tori was gone, there wouldn't be anyone to force him and his family to pay child support. He was wrong. I don't like hurting people like Tori does, but sometimes it's the only way. Bridge was with us at Mcmannis, her folks don't give a crap about her, wont help her or Jacob, and Miles' folks are filthy rich. No justice for the poor, ya know.

The civic2 should be ready to race this weekend, if I can get the clutch timing right. The nos makes going from fifth to sixth kinda crappy. If I hit the nos when Im in sixth, the car goes so fast that I let off the gas, and when the nos boost stops, the car dies. Its shitty, but I can fix it. And the gaskets on the tailpipes are melting or cracking when they cool down. Its not like it gives us more control or speed, so I say that we need to cut the headers off. Ryan doesn't want to take them off though, he says that the engine is running too hot. What a tard. Just because its his baby car doesn't mean that he gets all the decisions. I am still the one driving it.

Daddy is supposed to come on Thursday. Maybe I'll tell him about the playboy shoot when we go to lunch. He's trying, I guess. He says he's trying, but he wont even say hi to Tori. He still hasn't forgiven me for making him loose the election two years ago. I hope its better than last time, maybe we can order before he walks out. Im not mad at him, at least he didn't just run off like mom. What do you expect form a republican. If Chaney doesn't like his little lesbian, then why should daddy? Doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.

If one more Deck goon corners me and tells me that Im Tori's back up, Im gonna kill one of them. Tori will be fine, she is still just as smart. I'm Robin, not batman, and I don't want to be Batman. Why would I want to be the angsty superhero who saves the day, but goes home alone? I don't want to be alone. I don't care what's in our future, as long as Im not alone, I think I'll be ok.