Despertar

goddammit goddammit goddammit

On top of everything else, all the student lenders have stopped approving loan applications because of market freezes. Just when I thought law school was my ticket to float through a shit economy, I'm actually totally fucked unless Obama (or McCain) can turn the market around.

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If I weren't so bad at making female friends, I would say fuck it and find a new roommate. I can't believe I'm about to sign on for thirteen more months of being constantly pestered to share my thoughts and feelings, of passive-aggressive "reminder" Post-Its and of everything else I barely tolerated all year. I don't know what's WRONG with me that I don't have a self-protective instinct, that I can't manage to say "shut the fuck up and leave me alone" when I don't feel like hearing it.

We're supposed to sign our lease tomorrow. I've got pressure coming from her about doing it sooner and with fewer caveats, let's just trust each other and get this done; pressure coming from my dad, who is trained not to trust anyone unless he sees their credentials in writing and keeps interrogating me with questions whose thinly veiled aim is to get me to change my mind about moving in with her in twenty-four hours; pressure coming from myself because really, I wanted to move into a hole in the wall, alone, for seven or eight hundred dollars a month, and have all the space and time I wanted to be alone, alone, alone, for them to both shut up, to have more money left over monthly for food and to just, generally, not have to deal with this. We're moving into a luxury apartment, which is entirely stupid because it's designed for people who have saved their money for a few years and earned the right to live someplace really nice, not a couple of law students who are going to be borrowing against their (nonexistent!!) lenders just to make rent all year.

I got totally peer pressured into this, and now I'm being peer pressured out of it, and I really wish I didn't have to live anyplace next year. I just want this to be over. Law school sucks.

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I have been seeing a guy who is perfect. Perfect in general, perfect for me. Funny, thoughtful, articulate, well-mannered. Grew up in my hometown, gets all my jokes and thinks they're hysterical. Financially secure, nice apartment, flowers in the windowboxes (which, he doesn't know what kind of flowers they are, he's not gay, just aesthetically conscientious).

He likes me sooo much that it's impossible for me to like him back as much as I want to.

Last week, he cooked me lamb chops and watched two of my favorite movies with me. We watched and giggled and he didn't make a move at all. After I left, he complained to his blog (which he knows I read) about being blue-balled. I texted to ask if something was bothering him, he said of course not, we've got another date next Friday.

In the midst of financial crisis and a room that looks like hurricane wreckage, I shouldn't be worrying about another dumb boy, anyway.