Amygdalia's Blog

Fragile

First, a prayer request, good thought request, whatever works for you . . . my friend Liz is having pain in her ribs, and had some bloodwork done.  The bloodwork showed some abnormality in her pancreas, so she's having a CT scan this morning. 

I've been feeling myself becoming more and more fragile, over the past few months.  I'm not sure why.  What's tipped, what's changed, that's causing me to be less and less able to cope with everyday frustrations? 

I know that not getting enough sleep, or not getting good quality sleep, can affect everything else . . . but that's an ongoing issue for me.  What's NEW, that's gotten me to this point?  My brain is going in a thousand different directions on this one, but no one answer is helping me cope with the problem.

I'll start with my day yesterday . . . just another tired day, accomplishing little, and then finding myself frustrated with the children from the moment I see them.  Crumbs and spills, coats and clothes, backpacks and shoes left everywhere . . . despite the fact that I remind them daily.  I feel like I repeat myself 12 times a day.  Maybe that's the problem?  But how do I fix it??  If I DON'T say anything, nothing happens.  Sophie flips out as soon as I say something she doesn't want to hear. (ie. no, you can't use the computer.  It's a beautiful day - go outside and play!)   Then Jakie won't play outside because the doggies next door are barking.  Frustrated, and not wanting to snap at the children further, I decide to go upstairs and hide in my room for a bit.  The phone rings . . . it's a woman from Dove chocolate.  I haven't met my $1000 sales goal for the first 60 days, so I need to pay for my kit.  I just lose it.  It all comes crashing down . . . why can't I even get my friends and family to host a party for me?  Totally shakes whatever confidence I had in myself, in my ability to be successful at anything.  That spiraled into all of the worries and anxieties I've been having over feeling that I've done nothing with my life, I'm rapidly approaching 40 and have no marketable job skills to speak of, let alone a career of any standing. 

So Bob comes home from work to find me sobbing on the bed.  I don't know how he puts up with me . . . WHY he puts up with me.  I'm such a freaking mess, he never knows what he's going to find when he gets home.

Then I had to somehow tidy myself up and get myself ready to go to a chaperone meeting for Dhoc-li Llama 's Florida band trip.  I've been wondering why I volunteered to go . . . I leapt at the opportunity when it first presented itself . . . but then I began to second-guess myself.  And it's just gotten worse and worse.  Halfway through the meeting, I was in full-blown panic attack mode.  The schedule includes . . . leaving at 1:00 PM on Wednesday, arriving at 9:30 AM on Thursday, immediately going to Disney World where we stay until 9:45 PM . . . THEN to the hotel and lights out at 11:45.  I'm not going to sleep on the bus . . . how the HELL do I think I'm going to function for TWELVE hours at Disney World after that!?!  And the chaperones will share rooms  . . . band teacher said to let him know if we have any requests for who we'd like to room with.  I know no one.  I'll be rooming with a stranger . . . I don't sleep well in the same room with my HUSBAND half the time.  *sighs*  I came home and took an Ativan.  I think I'll be needing a few of those during the trip.  I don't know how I'm going to get through it. 

Ok . . . think I'll stop there.

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