I'm Studying You

Don't get any big ideas. They're not gonna happen.

"You'll go to hell for what your dirty mind is thinking."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gbXrdOwDlGc

So here's where I warn you to go someplace else if you're not into steamy, sordid details of my past. Go someplace else. Hide the kids. This could get messy, but it's what's kicking my bruises today.

So many years ago I dated a girl toward the end of summer. Beautiful girl, intelligent, etc. She went away to school, an ex came back into picture, and I didn't want to do the long distance thing anymore. We broke up. And it crushed her. For awhile. Luckily we hadn't consummated anything, so I didn't feel as bad. But I still felt bad.

She eventually became pregnant several years later, and married a man people have told me looked (at the time) very similar to me and seemed like a replacement for me. Which is kinda eerie. But whatever. Separate paths. We remained friends, exchanging emails from time to time. No big.

She came into town maybe three years ago (she'd long since moved across the state) to visit some friends and maybe spend a little time with me. The topic of us never having sex had come up from time to time and I never really thought anything of it. Conversations became more frequent; the topic kept creeping up.

But she was married! Had a kid, and four months pregnant with a 2nd. Why should the topic keep coming up?

She finagled a way to spend time with me that weekend, by essentially lying (which is completely not like her). She told the friend she was staying with that she was going to leave Saturday, told her husband she'd be home Sunday afternoon; therefore leaving us saturday night to spend together. And she was going to need a place to stay. So I offered her my place; I'd sleep on the couch or anywhere, really. Well, obviously she wanted to sleep next to me. And it finally happened.

I think we really believed we were soul mates, bound to be together somehow. I'm not quite sure what to make of it; she's stated before that she's never really been able to get over me. After 10 or 12 years. I was the first guy she ever really fell in love with. And I fell hard and fast for her, but it never worked out.

After that night it had been awhile since we spoke. And her husband found out about our night. Obviously he wasn't pleased. Luckily (or not?) they stayed together, got counselling, the works. Somehow or another, we got back in touch. We began to talk about things; why we stopped talking, the fallout of the affair, catching back up. We're always good like that- we can not talk for months then pick up right where we left off.

So we made plans to hang out. Try to keep our hands to ourselves. Which worked. It had to be pretty much behind everyone's backs, because no one, especially her husband, would be too ecstatic about the thought off us being together. We pulled it off and managed (somehow) to keep our clothes on. We danced; before we started dating, she worked for my aunt and was looking for a date to her prom. My aunt floated the idea of setting us up, but it never happened. I was convinced I owed her a dance, and we danced before she left. It was nice.

We kept sending texts back and forth as she drove down The 90 back home. Apparently she tried to call me just as she got home to tell me she was home and thata we'd talk later, for her husband wasn't to know a thing. The call never got through.

The last text I sent her included "I love you". She was getting her bags out of the car. Her husband had her phone. Talk about my terrible timing. Of course all hell breaks loose again. This was last November, I believe.

She sends me an email saying that, because of her husband, the fact she doesn't trust herself around me and he doesn't trust me, that we should no longer talk. Which I understand. I may not like it, but I understand. I shouldn't be in the business of wrecking families. After a few days, we'd ceased all communication, for the benefit of the greater good.

Fast forward to yesterday. I open my phone, and there's an email from her, asking me if I sent her a text on Easter that said "Happy Easter". It's adressed to 2 other people, because it was a Buffalo number and she didn't recognize it, so it had to be from one of us. I reply that I had not, that I knew better. And we weren't supposed to be talking.

The conspiracy theorist in me wants to believe that it's some sort of scheme concocted to get us talking again, that really there was no initial "Happy Easter" text from anyone to begin with. Because she can be sneaky like that. The ways she reaches out are subtle enough to not look like she's trying. But I've caught on. Another part of me is no doubt intrigued. And common sense is telling me to keep my distance. But who listens to common sense anyway?

So I know what I should do. The question is, am I going to stay away? Or do I fall victim again to "fate"?

"The Pretty, Petty Things" 
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