Who Am I?

One of those days

March 21, 2008

This will probaly not be a happy entry.  This will be a downer...if you don't want the truth or don't want to be depressed, I suggest you come back another day. I actually had avoided coming here all week-not wanting to sit once again, and dwell to all of you over the losses in my life. But, this is my blog, for my use to help and heal and whatever else happens.  I will not be offended if no one decides to read. But I have to release-cause pretending I"m not as low as I am isn't helping me get anything done..and I have too damn much to do to wallow right now.

Today is the sixth anniversary of my mom's death.  It's been a rough week, though I've done ok actually.  It doesn't help that I am hormonal this week as well-grief and hormones just don't do well together.

I slept this morning, when I should have been getting some schoolwork done.  We will be gone the next two days and I have work left to be finished.  I am who I am, and I couldn't force it this morning.  I'm ok.  I know my mom is in a better place and I wouldn't ask for her back...take her away from the heavenly Glory just for me.  But I grieve for all she isn't here for, all she hasn't seen..and y es, I know she's watching..but I can't see her face, I can't see her reactions, I can't see her joy, her pride, hear her thoughts and her advice. 

I was watching The Biggest Loser Tuesday night.  All of the contestants had makeovers..and then someone they love was there at the end of the catwalk while they were doing their fashion shoot-One of the girls had her mom show up...well a couple of them did...but when Kelly's mom hugged her...her mom's hair-the cut...and the way her hair laid in one particular spot, kind of a swirl...reminded me so much of my mom. 

This week I've dealt with major attitude out of my 11 year old and just wish I could hear my mom...not that she'd probably suggest anything different...I'm trying my darndest....and Cassy's report card...honor roll again-one of only nine in her class....to see both my parents and the pride they would feel for her.  I know that our other family members will be proud but it's not the same.  This move has been a good one in many ways...but I"m isolated and have lost touch with most of my friends...the mom figure I had, barely do I get a chance to talk to her, so much going on in her own life. 

School.  I am struggling in so many ways....which is a laugh if you look at my grades because I have all A's.  My last English paper thought, 45/50-one point below the class average-and my major will be WRITING. I know I'm there to learn.  And I know that's not a bad grade..but it makes me mad at me and question what I"m doing.

I'm doing everything I can to be a good mom and wife.  I'm trying to be a good student and to just survive.  Today is one of those days that I"m not doing such a good job on any of it.Today is one of those days that I feel so very much an orphan.  Lost and alone with no one who cares.  I know God cares and takes care of me...this isn't a question of faith.  But I need God with skin on, right here beside me.  Today is one of those days that it makes me really mad that He took both of them, so close together, even though I know it was for the best even when I can't see why.

Six years ago, I was sitting watching my mom suffer, in her home, in her bed...wandering the house..trying to find something to occupy myself....not knowing what was going to happen or when ...trying to make sense of it all. 

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the story of her last day

IT's never made sense...and I don't think it's going to.  It hurts.  It sucks.  Today, I just want my mom.  Today I just wish I could call heaven and talk to her and my dad.  Today I don't care what the world thinks. I"m tired and I'm sad and it hurts and it doesn't matter that by the world's standards I should be over my grief.  The world can kiss my lilly white butt cause I can't be ok today.  Six years ago I lost something I can't have back until we meet in heaven.  Today I feel selfish and don't care that she's in a better place-I just want her with me-to see her smile, to hear her voice, to rub tha place between her shoulders that always hurt. Today I want to see what she thinks of her beautiful and intelligent granddaughter, I want to see what she thinks of this ball of energy that is her grandson.  I want to have her in my apartment...because it's closer than I've ever lived to her...and she's not here to be with me.  Today I can't let go of all those things even though I know she's in a better place and to ask her to give up that world for this one is someting I wouldn't do if I could.  Today I am a small child, just in need...Today it hurts bad enough that all the good things don't matter right now.  I'm really struggling today.  I know I'll be ok....I've known it was coming all week-knew this morning it would probably hit.  The fact that it feels like I'm the only one that knows what today is (I'm not, I know my sister is fully aware...know that there are others) doesn't help.

I just want my mom.