I'm Studying You

Caged, I wonder why the bird still sings

So I'm gonna start off with an apology of sorts, because I'm probably inadvertantly going to offend every female that views this entry.

Went to the Ball last night. Big ups to my man Terry at the New York Store for hooking me up with a sweet sportcoat and some nice threads that made me look awesome. Even my cigarettes matched the ensemble. People didn't recognize me at first; I looked that good. Didn't have a bad time; didn't have a lights-out time either. I think I pissed a few people off because I practically spent the entire night text-messaging. Oh well.

So there's a lady that's affiliated with us, really nice lady. Few years older than me; married (like that's ever stopped me before) and I knew she had a son around my brother's age (18). And this is what I'll never in all my years understand about women, part 1: she's one of those ladies who'll talk smack about her stand-up, nice guy husband, yet at the end of the night that's who she goes home with or to because she knows she loves him. And I'm not going to lie, when I first met her I had a bit of a crush on her (can I say that without sounding like a creepy teenager even though I'm in my 30's?). When we have functions she personally makes extra peanut butter treats for me to take home cuz she knows I like 'em. I think it's really nice of her that she goes out of her way and thinks of me that way. Like I said, nice lady.

So I'm talking to her last night, and tells me she has a daughter. I never knew! She points her out and asks me if I would ask her to dance. Being the nice guy I am, I say "Ya know, I was going to ask you to ask her to ask me to dance" (because god I'm such a pussy sometimes). She introduces us, and by god she's beautiful. And this is where the collective mass of you females in the audience is going to reach back and crack me solid on the jaw when I say, yeah, very pretty, but maybe a bit thicker for my personal taste. And here's where I get in trouble for talking out of both sides of my mouth (a bad habit well exercised)...I just get finished sending a text to a lovely girl swearing I'm not going to so much even look at another girl, and there I am chatting up this woman's daughter (and conveniently forgetting that a mother's seal of approval is typically the kiss of death when it comes to talking to young females) and laying the groundwork for making a huge ass out of myself (something I take every measure of avoiding but inexplicably doing anyway).

I step out for a smoke and I'm joined by this girl (I don't even remember her name, how callous and shallow am I? We'll call her Nicki cuz that's what seems to stick in my head). At this point I figure out she's got a kid and is probably a lot younger than she looks. I pay her some compliments and ask her if she'd like to dance, to which her reply is she's going to be leaving soon. And I in my infinite grace, wisdom and charm am too much of an idiot to get the hint, and compound the problem by attempting to dance right then and there with her. Coincidently, she was not impressed. And that's part 2 of why I will never understand the female culture and perspective. I just wanted some fun. Wasn't looking for lofty expectations, love, or even sex. Just a good time out in public. I should know better; I'm not much for getting along with others in public sometimes.

So I fell for the bullshit about her leaving at midnight. And in the course of our brief conversation, she somehow managed to assume I was all of 19 years old!! What the fuck?!?! Age NEVER came up in any way, shape or form...she just flatfuck guessed I was 19! Flattering I suppose, but I'm nowhere near 19 and I wouldn't even lie about that if I knew it was going to get her out of her dress. I find this out because I bump back into her mother and I mention that I didn't think her daughter was impressed with me. Her mom says "I think it's because she said you're 19. She came up to me and said 'mom, what are you doing trying to set me up with a 19-year-old?'" And I of course responded with my typical, over-the-top shocked and appalled reaction. And that was pretty much the end of that conversation.

The ironic part of the evening? After my landlord ditched me for a ride home, I caught a ride with Nicki's mom, her husband and her friend. Don't know how Nicki got home. Kinda sorta don't care either.