Life with an Addict

losing the will to live

Life has a way of catching up with us and there's simply no avoiding it.
I'm not suicidal but I'm extremelly depressed. I have flashes of jumping out of a moving vehicle, flashes of ending my life...they pass quickly and it's not like I could do it but it's a wake up call for me.

I just feel so hopeless....not just for what life has dealt me but for what it's dealt everyone around me. I can't handle seeing anyone in pain, I find it harder to see other people suffer than it is to see what I go through. I'm not sure why but it's like I absorb their pain and it wears me out.

In my world, I'm suffering at the hands of an unknown evil. My husband gets paid every two weeks, by the time he's finished spending money on his addictions he's gone through anywhere from 100 to 500 dollars. With what's left I pay bills, try to save enough money for gas and buy groceries. I try to make the remaining money stretch but I'm not good at it. I always miss out on some of the groceries and usually it ends up being eggs because that's my last stop.

Last night his friend paid him 200 to take him to the next province. I didn't expect him to give me any of the money but I gave him my last 20 for gas and he spent the entire 200 on a dirtbike for my 3 year old, a bike that he can't even drive for at least another year. Fine, I kept my mouth shut, but he stayed home for thanksgiviing dinner and when i came home he went in the fridge for eggs and there were none. He started slamming stuff around and I still remained calm pointing out that there were left overs in the fridge for him. No, not good enough. I then started yelling at him, reminding him that he was invited for dinner and wouldn't get out of bed to go. He then says "f__k your family, they don't talk to me anyway" Then I really flipped, reminding him of everything they do for us. The times they give us groceries so we won't starve, or the thousands and thousands of dollars we owe my family. I neglected to remind him of the money he stole years ago from my sister, it doesn't seem worth it.

I should have kept my mouth shut and just let him have his little fit but it's harder and harder all the time. then I blame myself when I really shouldn't because I saw his pupils and I know he's either on something or coming down off something. The pain pills are an obvious problem, but there's something else too. I'm just not sure what. My suspicions are crack but I just can't prove it. I have to prove it!!!!!!!!! I have to get him to go for help!!!
He's dying in front of me and I feel so helpless!!!!!!!!!! What kind of mother/wife am I when I can't stop him from destroying himself?