In the Wolf's Den

Moonlight Remorse

Moonlight Remorse

Charlene Robinson

Journal

September 30, 2004

There is truly no explanation on why I have entitled this journal entry ‘Moonlight Remorse,’ I was just pacing through and across the garden to our willow tree, which in few years will destroy the flooring of our house. It is yards, about twenty-five, away; so I don’t see how it can cause much harm to the house. This willow tree is one of my favorite areas to go to when I want to be alone. It’s the spot go to feel warm and with the moon’s radiance this warmth I feel has just doubled. Now I remember why I entitled this journal ‘Moonlight Remorse.’ It’s because, even after all these years, I think about him. He lingers into my thoughts and suddenly even with all my new acquired friends I feel lonely. My mother says I’m lonely, after she declares: “I don’t mean to pry,” because I’m afraid. This is pathetic, but she’s right. After the incident I became wary of men’s motives.

It occurred four years ago during the month of mystery and mischief, October. I developed an infatuation with this boy named Jacob Aaronson. I was attracted to his beauty, and popularity. His fame and looks blinded me from what was dormant inside his heart, and soul. Inside he was a shallow arrogant asshole, who he refused to treat people with the respect they deserved, yet like an idiot I gained a massive crush on him.

As usual I spent my lunch period alone in the small cafeteria wondering if: today was the day Jacob would finally reach out to me. My table was the most deserted, I believe two other people sat at my table, but they made it their goal to sit as far away from me as possible. Even though I was ignored by fellow outcast I liked sitting there, because it was three tables across from Jacob's. My table was close enough for me to observe and far enough to be avoided. I would sit there mesmerized by his radiant looks, wishing he was mine. I also watched who he was surrounded by, which were boys, and mainly girls, who would stop at nothing to be on Jacob's "A" list.

I tried my best to imitate some of the girl's movements. I tried to flip my hair, but because my hair was short, sometimes too nappy or corn rolled I couldn't get one braid or puff to move. Finally, when I realized I was unable to do so I began to read and write poems about Jacob. Usually, I would pull out my favorite notebook and searched for my favorite poem. I read it softly to myself, hoping that it was perfect.

"I am lost in a world
and only your eyes can find me
I am lost in a desert
and only your feet can guide me
I just need you to know who I am
so we can become two buds on one stem."


It wasn't very good, none of my poems were, but I was satisfied with what I read most of the time. I silently giggled when I finished reading hoping that my gentle whispers would miraculously reach his ears. I closed my notebook, and began to scribble his name across the front, in my prettiest hand writing. I placed hearts around each 'Jacob Aaronson' I could fit on the cover of my notebook, and called it a day. I literally wanted to marry him.

My secret was out when he crossed my table, one fine afternoon. The pace of the lunch room seemed to slow down. His chocolate colored hands swayed in the hot atmosphere, which smelled liked old meat loaf and hot peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. His tight Levi jeans hugged tightly onto his small round booty, every time he took a step. Without warning he gazed at me and suddenly the speed of the lunchroom quickened as my heart pulsated quicker. I cringed in fear, praying that he didn't see me gawking at him. I tried to use the small courage, that boiled inside my heart, to smile, but it failed.

I looked down at the table ashamed wishing somehow I would disappear. Unfortunately, I didn't disappear; I sat there like a statue for a brief moment. It was brief, because this girl named, Ashley Simmons, tapped lightly on my shoulder. I jumped in fear when she did this, and had to save myself from receiving a heart attack.

"I'm sorry to bug you, um..." she snapped her fingers as she searched for my name

"Charlene" I stated softly between pants

"Yeah that's right" she stated it as if she knew my name, and just forgot it, "I couldn't help wondering, but do you like Jacob?" she gave me a quick smile, to show that I could trust her.

I was in awe by the fact that she saw me staring stupidly at him. I hid my face from her I was so embarrassed. I began to contemplate: I wondered if I should trust her or not. I wasn't exactly Miss Popular in my school, I was barely known, and I didn't have a single friend.

I hesitated to speak but she stated: "You can trust me" to reassure me that I can trust her and to seal the deal of trust she added: "Jacob is very fly"

I smiled at her giving into her false promise and without any hesitation gave her a timid nod

The past two days, since I told Ashley, were normal. I sat alone at my table, thinking about, and watching Jacob, but I remember somewhere along the lines I thought I had a new friend. Ashley Simmons told Jacob that I liked him, which I later found out. When I went upstairs to the classroom, where I would spend eternity in until it was time to go home I immediately found a note on my desk. It was written on yellow construction paper and on the front there was a small black heart and my name in sloppy script. I began to panic, as if I had been locked up in a cage.

I gingerly walked to my seat, thinking the floor was lined with booby traps. When I reached my desk I sat down in my seat, and watched the letter because I felt it was bound to jump and attack me. When I realized that it wasn't, I placed my hand on it, and let out a small happy shriek. I prayed that Jacob Aaronson fell in love with me, I remember repeating over, and over again in my head, "please let Jacob love me, please."

When I finally got some courage working through my blood line, a pack of kids rushed into class. My surroundings completely disappeared, I could no longer hear Mr. Rye teaching my favorite subject, English, and I couldn't hear the children chattering. It was just me and the letter. I opened the letter and began to read the rushed through, untidy words:

"Why didn't you tell me you like me sooner? I want to show you how much I like you, meet me after class in the school yard" on the wee tip of the bottom read Jacob. I must of read it forty times, to make sure I wasn't going insane. Honestly, I felt like I was going to die.

I let out a small screech of joy that interrupted Mr. Rye's lecture, all of my peers began to giggle, but I didn't care. Someone actually took the time to notice me. I received a letter from the boy of my dreams I felt so uplifted. I didn't look at the time, I was too focused on what I would do when he told me, but I knew time flew like a rocket!

When the bell rang I was so anxious that I bumped into kids I would never dreamed of bumping into. I tried to rush past everyone, but I was stopped by a mob of kids on the staircase. I was still able to run down the stairs, nearly tripping over my clumsy feet. I finally reached my destination, the immense school yard. Where Jacob, and practically the whole school waited for me.

I didn't think the onlookers were a bad thing, I actually thought they were there to support me. I paced towards him my head held high, but a timid smile crossed my lips. The crowd separated as I reached my target. At that moment I felt like a queen. I heard a murmur or two about Jacob picking me, but the words just enhanced my ego.

On his handsome faced lied a devious smile, but because I was so young, and naive I mistook it as a smile of joy. I approached him shyly, but placed my best smile on to show confidence. I looked down searching for a rock that I could look at, but I told myself “if you want this guy you have to look into his eyes." I raised my head and looked into his beautiful brown eyes and froze. I became aware of his anger, and yet I couldn't move it felt like my feet were glued to the cement.


The crowd began to become restless, as silence resided in the school yard.

"Everyone!" Jacob finally shouted, hushing the children up. He looked in my eyes one last time as he contemplated whether to crush me, but that sly smirk spoke volumes, and I knew he was going to proceed.

"You all know why I asked ya'll to come here, for those who don't know it's because I want to show you how much I 'like' this gal," he pointed to me.

My brain continued to tell my legs to move, as he approached me, but they weren't budging. When I could feel his hot breath tickling my nose he gave me a quick smile and continued his lecture.

"What makes you think that I would actually fall for a girl like you!" he spoke to the crowd, "Huh? What makes you think I would like you when I hate you with a passion?" he directed the question towards me.

I could barley talk as my heart shattered into a million and one pieces, only a low squeak escaped from my throat.

"Because you weren't thinking" he stated softer, but the crowd was still able to hear his cruel words

His mouth came close to my ear and I heard the words I hate you, my body, and heart went completely numb, the tears escaped from my eyes it was bad enough my throat went completely dry.

"Why would I spend my time with a girl who is ugly?" he shouted to the crowd.

I couldn't move I was literally a statue

"Why?" he directed to me.

My lips quivered. I lowered my head in shame and calmly told myself to be bold. He looked me up and down probably waiting for an answer, but I didn't give him one, I was too ashamed, and afraid to speak. When a minute passed filled with silence I decided to take my chances and walk away, but he quickly prevented me from doing so by grabbing my arm roughly.

"Your not going anywhere until you answer me," he waited for a response but I refused to give him one, "Fine, but let me tell them how much I 'like' you" he held my arm and shook me a little, because I was struggling, "You make my skin crawl with dirt, every time you look at me in the lunchroom. You think I never noticed it! Day after day I have to see your ugly face while you look at me. It's sickening! Boo hoo" he gestured someone wiping their tears away with his free hand, "I don't care if you cry you should of never fell in love with me, you ugly bitch!"

His words echoed in my ear as he let go and laughed. Everyone except Jacob was silent they were as shocked as I was. He crossed the line I didn't care if he called me ugly, what I cared about was the word bitch. I'm not a bitch I thought. I wiped my tears, raised my hand and with all my strength I slapped him. The sound of the slap was echoing through my mind and it felt good. I stared straight in his eyes bravely; he walked slowly towards me and paused.

"You're going to regret the day you ever touched me!" he pushed me hard onto the cement causing me to cut my elbow because I was wearing short sleeves.

I looked up at him thinking for a split second: why are you angry? I really didn't get to finish my thoughts because he looked like he was going to attack again when Stephen I didn't know his name then, I never even saw him before rushed to my rescue. Stephen grabbed Jacob by the collar and shook him violently.

"You hurt her!" Stephen's voice was deep in his gruesome shouts. I could barely understand what he was saying.

With little effort Stephen threw Jacob into the crowd. Stephen approached Jacob, who was cowering in fear, and towered over Jacob in trembling anger. Stephen clenched his fist into a solid ball for minutes as he watched Jacob. The crowd leaned towards the still and silent scene in anxiousness but with effort Stephen freed his fingers. I watched him approach me, his dirty brown hair swayed in the gentle fall breeze and his hazel eyes were still and filled with a sympathetic passion.

Seconds later a masculine butter pecan hand extended in front of me, but because of the humiliation running wildly through my veins I rejected it. I got up on my own, reserving some dignity. I glimpsed at Stephen praying he could read my mind because I was too humiliated to say thank you, and ran.

I ran as fast as I could towards the ladies room. I rushed into the stall and began to cry. I buried my face into my hands and began to bawl like a running faucet.

'How could you be so stupid?' I remember scolding myself

"Charlie you in here?" a voice stated in between heavy pants

I gasped softly involuntarily because no one in this school knew my nickname, let alone my name

The footsteps continued to approach, I stood up to lock the stall door, but fortunately I was too late. Stephen opened the door gently, and gave me a faint smile. Sympathy resided in his hazel eyes. I turned around towards the toilet seat ashamed; I didn't want him to see me cry.

"Charlene" he said calmly

He turned me around and wrapped his arms around me. I nestled into his embrace, and released all of my tears.

"All those things he said aren't true-" he paused

I was lost in the rhythmic pulse of his heart, the warmth, and the low rumbling that formed every time he spoke. I looked into his hazel eyes yearning for him to continue. I didn't know if he was being truthful but his words felt so good in my ears

"You're not ugly, you're very pretty" he spoke fiercely, I buried my ear into his chest. "You're sweet, and very smart, but you're stupid for falling for a guy like that" he said with a little humor

The pulse of his heart quickened, and oddly the warmth was beginning to turn lukewarm.

"He had no right placing a hand on you!" he stated with anger. Anger didn't suit him at all.

The low rumbles were deep

I separated myself from him, and observed his eyes, instead of being welcomed with a warm sea of hazel; I was greeted with a cold yellow. Instantaneously, I decided to move from him and wrapped my arms around myself because my body craved the warmth he provided me.

"Er… I'm sorry" his voice returned to its usual calmness but they were wrapped around short pants. He wrapped his arms around me again.

I looked at his eyes they were still yellow, but they were warming up. We held each other for what seemed like hours. With his sleeve he roughly wiped my tears.

"You shouldn't cry over things like this, you know?" he stroked my back, "I understand it hurts but Jacob isn't worth your tears or time. But if that doesn't make you feel any better then just mark this as a lesson, okay?"

"It does, but it hurts to know that nothing will happen..."

"Happen?"

"I don’t know…Nothing will happen to the bad..."

"Bad things happen to good people and it seems like good happens to the bad, but I know one day he'll get what he deserves" he stated, "my mom use to say 'there is no room for bad people'"

Perhaps, Stephen's mother was correct with his theory on the world not being able to support vile, hurtful, or mischievous people. Jacob was beat up October 20, 2000 two days after the school yard incident. No one knew who beat him, but I didn't stay long enough in New York to hear otherwise because I moved to Maine that following Thanksgiving because my mom received a better position in her Veterinary career.

Maine is different and although I complained about it in the beginning I enjoyed it here. The only negative thing about Maine was I'm was in walking distance from my father's house.

...Moonlight Remorse... I always find myself dwelling on that memory. And I want to let go of it but-

*****

The Author



"Charlene!" Charlene's mother shouted from a distance

"Yes?" Charlene' shouted back in an equal volume

"You get your butt in here and go to bed!"

"Okay" Charlene stated as she patted her pajama pants removing a small piece of fungus from her rear end

It was about time she hit the hay Charlene instructed herself as she yawned.Charlene walked to the house where she saw her mother patiently waiting for her to enter their home. Her mother leaned against the frame heavily a smile was on her beautiful chocolate face.

"Good night mom" Charlene hugged her tightly, "I love you"

"Ditto" she giggled as she patted Charlene's back, "Now go to bed"

Charlene jogged up the creaky wooden stairs to her room nearly tripping on the new carpet that was laid on the second floor. Before Charlene entered her room she stopped by the window to take one final look at the moon before she went to sleep.