Sunflower Powers Thru

Fading Flowers in a Vase

The passion and thrill of hope and anticipation lasted less time than the flowers he bought me. The flowers were a peace offering over an argument. That was less than two weeks ago. The flowers are gone, and I'm alone on Saturday night--not even a phone call.

I went into this renewed phase of our love-hate-whatever-let's-try-it-again relationship with optimism but a clear head and keen eye.

I didn't kill the thrill. It got clouded over by his need for drugs pretty fast actually. He stormed out of my house without even saying goodbye, or indicating he was gone. His vibes were no negatively intense, it was a relief.

I've been on the inside of bipolar rage, but this was my first time to experience it at close range from someone I care about.

I know since he's in a bipolar cycle, that anything can set him off. He's in a real self-destructive phase. Better I just back away and keep my life and sanity intact. He can have all the outside world for his space. My home is my security blanket, and the doors have locks.

It's hard to watch the chnages he's going through. He has no control over his emotions. That's a given when a bipolar acts contrary to logic. For a person who has just come into a comfortable inheritance, he's more unhappy than anyone would believe. He's like a tornado full of explosvies, heading to the flames of a big explosion. I can't really do anything to quell the situation. I tried, but it only made me an emotional target. I can't believe he'd ever lash out physically, but I can tell he's real out of control. I don't dive into other people's problems for cheap thrills anymore. It can be dangerous.

And I think back to stark visions of my bipolar rages, and realize how frightening it was for those around me. I'm not cowerying in a closet, but I'm not inviting the devil in for a party either. His mood control, or lack of it, it just a giant problem waiting to ahppen. And I see all this coming from lack of secruity issues and fear of success issues.

There will be other vases of flowers. There will be less emotional days. Taking care of your own security and feleings has got to be a priority for self preservation. At least I've learned that much from my own experience. We aren't married, and we won't ever be. But somehow, we'll always be there when it works for both of us.