Day by day, again

Watching a parent die....again

Dad's cancer has spread to multiple bones. He had one course of chemotherapy, by his choice, to buy himself some more time but it put him in the hospital and made him so sick that the doctor will not consider any more chemo. So now all I can do is to watch him go downhill day by day just like I did my mother.

I know God does not owe us any reason or explanation for the things He does nor do we get any of our questions answered when we need it (at least I don't) but what is happening to my father is down right cruel. For God to have allowed him to survive his massive heart attack, a miracle according to the doctors, only to have him suffer through cancer, his one true fear, makes me so ANGRY! At God? Hell, yes!

It seems that no matter how much of myself I give to Him and everyone else it feels like He is throwing it back in my face. I finally realized that there is some reason He has taken so much from my family and no matter what I do it won't matter or satisfy Him. So....I give up. The only thing that I can think of is that He is trying to get me closer to Him by making my life miserable. Unfortunately these trials will only distance me that much further. It was difficult enough to accept that He took my mother after suffering so but then my sister dying in a way she feared made me lose even more faith. Now, my father is dying the same way my mother did which is his greatest fear and has been for years. I have prayed diligently for strength, support, and comfort for him and my family and it seems the more I pray the worse the trials become.

For a very long time I have felt that God does not listen when I pray. Now I am convinced. I will cherish the support from my coworkers and people who care about me and hope I can get through this. I have lost a very precious friend through all this too and I just want to say thank you to him and let him know how much his friendship meant to me. I also want to apologize for any problems my friendship caused in his marriage. It was not my intention to do that. I will always love you dear FRIEND!