Mental Meanderings

Forcing Blog Entries Past Headaches

Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! I wish I were sleeping. Soon I'm sure I will be, again. For some reason all weekend I've felt wiped out, drained, destroyed. I'm going to write a lameass blog entry just because I feel like shit but I decided I wouldn't pike out when I should be writing. I mean I technically have an excuse if I wanted to pike out. I mean it's a public holiday so I could use that as an excuse and say I don't have to write tonight. I'm considering doing that about FoT because my head just... HURTS!!!

I'm also considering resorting to chemical modifiers. Pain killers. But somehow I don't think that will help. This is the sort of overall soreness that can only be alleviated with sleep, lots and lots of sleep. Preferrably a nights worth that isn't completely disrupted at 11PM, and 1PM, and 3PM... That has been the standard this weekend. Every couple of hours I'm awake, for no reason but that I can't sleep.

Sometimes I get online and just sit, staring at the screen wishing I could crawl into it and fall asleep elsewhere. Somewhere warm, and safe, and not so lonely. Then I give up and go back to bed or snuggle up to my baby boy and steal his body heat. For some reason men burn with an inner fire. They make great hot water bottles but the adult versions don't much appreciate my warming cold feet on them. *grins wickedly*

I am in a strange mood. Far thinking, short thinking, not thinking. My mind is here and there and nowhere. Nothing makes much sense and I have motivation to sleep and nothing more. I've forced myself through the routine actions of the day. Showered, dressed, checked mail, did some work, got the kids dressed, went and worked out, came home, worked, wandered around aimlessly, tried to do more work, and now blogging. When I'm done I'll sleep, simply because I'm sick of trying to pretend today is normal.

This too will pass. Thankfully these moods always do. The crazy mood swings happen and I go through my shitty moods but then I'll be alive again, and full of energy and ready to face the world and all the challenges ahead.

Today I got to thinking about time. Time and space. The fact that sometimes time seems to take so long and distance seems to be very far. I have to remind myself what I tell my daughter and myself when we've been on a particularly long walk and are on the way home. "One foot in front of the other." It is the only way to face time and space. One step at a time, focused only on the next step because thinking into the distance creates the ache of knowing how far you have to go. One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. Eventually you get there.

In a way I should think about that with Flight of Torque. One word in front of the other. One scene in front of the other. But tonight I'm not going to force it. I'm going to give myself permission not to. I know I'd feel terrible writing tonight. Like right now. Yes, I'd gain the sense of accomplishment if I finished but I don't need another reason to connect FoT with pain. I won't write tonight and I'll forgive myself for not doing so. Calling in a sick day.

Now, this pathetic excuse for a blog is about wrapupable. I'm going to go put myself out of my misery. My kids are at maximum wattage behind me so I'll be glad to send them to bed. Then sleep the sleep of the mindless. Tune the world out and sink into the depths of oblivion. Perhaps I'll wake, one day after the other, and be closer to my future.