Mental Meanderings

The Need To Sleep

I'm one of those people who need a full 8 hours to function in a reasonable frame of mind. Too little sleep leads to a very unnice Rebecca and by about 5PM bitch mode starts to set in. Sure I can be a bitch at any time but when I've built up some sleep debt it's particularly noticable.

I don't like the way I get when I haven't slept enough. I know it also upsets my bipolar to break my sleep pattern so I make an effort to ensure I get enough sleep. Of course I reset my body clock recently. Started getting up at 5AM and have really loved having those early hours in the day before the kids wake up to do whatever I like. What I haven't done however is make sure I'm in bed at an earlier hour every night.

Being up two hours earlier means I need to sleep two hours earlier so I should be aiming to hit the sheets between 9 and 10 PM. Of course years of late nights lead to that hour being an unfamiliar time to try and sleep. I mean it's an Australian summer, the sun is only just going to bed at that hour.

On advantage for me is that I don't really watch much TV. At the moment there is only one show that I actually tune in to see and it's only on once a week finishing at 9:30 so I can sleep immediately after. Sometimes I like to stay up for the movies on the weekend but mostly I just don't watch much TV any more. But it's still hard to turn myself off and get to sleep early so that I get enough hours sleep.

I can feel myself in bitch mode at the moment. It's mostly just this lethargy and impatiance/short temper. I get frustrated easily and I'm mostly angry at myself today. Another day has passed and I feel like I've accomplished nothing. I started the day wanting to get SOMETHING done but finish the day and haven't made any progress at all.

The sense of overwhelm and fear steals my motivation. I start to be really afraid that I'll never be able to succeed as a writer. It's the kind of thing we have to do on our own and yet I can't seem to do it on my own. I'm starting to think I'd be better off doing something that will bring in a regular paypacket and involves me being accountable to someone else.

Whenever I start thinking like this I remember that I'm not qualified to do much at all. I could spend the rest of my life packing grocery bags like I used to when I was in high school. Of course this horror leads me to thinking of trying to get some education. But eventually I just go around in circles because any other option steals my dream of writing.

I know this melancholy is probably related to my lack of sleep. When I'm well slept I'm more optimistic. When I've had a full 8 hours I'm less daunted by the prospect of getting things written. It's still scary and hard but it doesn't conquer me. Today it's conquered me and shortly I'll head to bed having accomplished nothing, again. Too many days have already passed like this. I don't know how to bring about the change. I don't know how to bring my dream into action.