Who Am I?

Lent-not the kind in the dryer

Feb 21, 2007

Today is Ash Wednesday. If you are Catholic...I know you know what this is...If you are a practicing Christian, you may.  Otherwise, bare with me...I'll be moving on to the personal and emotional details after I trek down memory lane.

Ash Wednesday is the start of Lent...a time of preparing for the crucifixtion and resurrection of Jesus Christ.  As a child, I went to catholic schools.  Ash Wednesday meant I went to church during the day and got out of class.  It meant I had to wear a spot of ashes on my head all day, had to "give something up" and that they didn't serve anything but fish on Friday.  My parents were catholic but because both of them were disabled they weren't required(do to medical reasons) to fast. 

I don't remember much of a change to that attitude in high school or early on in my marriage.  In the last few years, it has come to mean more. When I give up something I try to make it something that will help me grow closer to Christ.  A few years ago, I gave up chocolate. I am a chocoholic..but I did it.  I was proud of me.  And then 2 days after Easter I had the worst migraine I'd ever had.  Suddenly I'd found one of my triggers and probably the reason the Holy Spirit led me to give up chocolate.  I still eat chocolate but in moderation.  I still get migraines...so I know it's more than chocolate but that's an entirely different story. 

The year before that I gave up compter time..I still got on it, but I gave it up when the kids were awake and limited my time after they were in bed. 

I don't think that in order to grow closer to God or to be more like Christ we have to give anything up.  I think it can be intentionally adding something.  So this year, I"m not giving anything up.  Instead, I'm going to commit...and I'm going to ask y'all to help me....to reading my bible every day during nap time.  I'm really bad about taking time with God or being in the word..unless I'm in a structured bible study (which I'm not right now)In a way, I will be giving something up, because that is also one of my times on here that I spend..while things are quiet..but I will still be here during nap time...just putting God first.

What are you going to do to grow closer to Him this Lenten season?  He gave up His life for you..and in return all He wants..is all of you.  Anybody wanna be bible buddies or prayer partners?  Email me.


Ok, the other side of Ash Wednesday on my memory trek is much more emotional.  In 2002, Ash Wednesday was also in Feb-I don't remember the date.  What I do remember is it was just a few weeks after my dad had died.  It was also the point at which I knew God would be taking Momma from me soon as well.  Ash Wednesday, Mom went to church and then her friends took her to the hospital.  She was in there for abot 10 days...she had pneumonia and was retaining fluids (mom had bilateral nephrostomy tubes-spelling is probably wrong..dont' know what it is feel free to ask) My parents had been divorced for 11 years..but I had prayed many times when mom was in the hospital for God to take Dad before he took Mom..I knew emotionally I woudln't be able to hold dad up..they were still friends, he still loved her...I didn't expect him to have taken them so closely together...but..that's another issue...anyway, it was that hospitalization, that day..that I turned to my beloved and told him this would be it.  She went home 10 days later...and was back in in less than a week.  Again retaining fluids..this time with a kidney infection as well.  We almost lost her...we spent time in ICU...and as mom always seemed to do, she turned a corner, bounced back and made us think we were wrong yet again....within 2 days, I got a phone call from my sister...telling me the end was near, mom knew she was going to die and I needed to come.  I flew ...I lived an hour away..I drove it in less than 45 min.  She died that night.  March 21, 2002.  approximately 6 weeks after my dad...the Friday before Palm Sunday.

In the past few years, as I've gotten to know God better...I've changed my mind about Lent and what I need to be doing...but I can't lie to you...especially when it falls during February...Christ's sacrifice isnt' the only one I think of.  I know that sounds sacreligious.  But ...He got them both...in a very short period of time...and while I believe they are both in a better place...this time of year is difficult.  Please, don't just email or comment to me that you are sorry for my loss..it's been 5 years...and I know you all care about me and don't want me to be hurting.  There is nothing you can do for me...what I want is for you to recognize the sacrifice God made for you.  And even when your loved ones are being a pain, know that you will miss them when they are gone.  Treasure all those times with them.  Even if they are times spent in the hospital.  Some of my fondest memories are of days spent in the hospital, talking to mom, walking the halls with mom, laughing with mom.  Even though it wasn't where either one of us wanted to be. 


Tonight we will be going to Ash Wednesday services (and we aren't catholic....lol)  I treasure these times.  I also at this time really miss our pastor that left in July..because regardless of the mask I put on to get through tonight-and I will, guaranteed...this is my private hell to deal with..not for public viewing..though I will share it with an elite few-no matter how I covered it up, he would know, confound him..that I was hurting and probably why...I owe him the fact that I survived the last few years..and I owe him the fact that I grew closer to Christ. Our new pastor is a wonderful man..who doesn't know my story, and I don't have the energy to share it with him....PK just seemed to get it...as I started to say, I treasure these special services and being in community with other believers...tonight will also be difficult.  So if you could please...say a prayer for me...the next 40 days or so will be difficult..many entries and writings will probably be laced with emotion....but writing is where I can release and heal.  I thank you my friends for your patience, for your prayers, and for your love.

hugs
Vicky