Who Am I?

Y'all are just tooo deep

Feb 20, 2007

The title says it all!  LOL...I went to David McClain 's blog..and he's asking all sorts of deep questions..which get me started thinking and I leave a comment long enough to be a blog entry. 
I mosey on over to kiyasama's blog and not only is it deep and making me think..but it's emotional too.  Then I wander over toKenzie and go knee deep on polititcs and start thinking about Christians and government. I stop in Wendopolis and now I'm thinking about the books I like and why...and why is it that as much as I love to read, I hesitate to tell anyone that I like to read romance ...or even the occasional smutty book..like it makes me less than a Christian-oops...that's an entry in itself...

The list could go on and on...so what is a girl to do..

Because I am a passionate, emotional, and opinionated person...lucky you...lol...I'm going to share my thoughts and feelings on them..because they each evoked a response...and there are a few others of you out there that did too..so if i didn't name you above..know it's just because those were the ones closest to the front of my brain...if I commented ...I thought about what you were writing..promise.

But because the thoughts are long and deep..I'm only going to address them one entry at a time...and because it evoked probably the most emotional response and is sitting on my heart..I"m going to hit kiyasama's entry today.  If you haven't read it..run over and read it....because she makes some very honest, very valid points. It is about online racism and how painful it can be. 

What it brought up for me was how any prejudice can hurt...especially when it comes at you from a place you don't know it exists in.

The following is an exerpt of a piece of writing that I"m not yet ready to share here...or elsewhere...

"We live in a broken and fallen world.  No one can be trusted, no one understands and it is every man for himself.  The more self sufficient you are the better off you are….even when that comes down to your spouse or other family members, or friends.  Few people know who we are deep down or what we dream or how we feel.  Few of us take the risk; me included, to let other in.  That comes from years and years of conditioning.  One of the first lessons I remember learning from my mom was to love and accept everyone for who they were despite what they looked like, what color their skin or if they had a disability.  She taught me I should find out who people were on the inside before making a decision about them.  And she was right. My mom was a quadriplegic.  She was judged many times, treated as if because her body didn’t work, neither did her brain.  BUT….in this world…that is exactly what most people do, and while I learned very early not to judge, I learned almost as quickly that I would be judged but what I looked like, what I wore, how I sounded, who my family was.  By the time I was 10 I learned to trust almost no one, even my family, with certain things, because they would laugh at me, tease me, and tell other people.  God love my mother, but there was very little we did as children that the rest of the family didn’t find out about very quickly.  Before I was in jr high, I learned not to tell her or anyone else about crushes I had on boys or dreams that I had (I wanted to be an actress or a gymnast….neither probable for an overweight child from lower middle class Indianapolis with handicapped parents-but there is no harm in dreaming.  NO harm in reaching, in loving in feeling) And my mother meant no harm, loved me very much and never had an idea of how much it hurt.  Yet those things are the same reason that later in life, I chose not to tell her that I was almost molested by a neighbor, almost raped by a boyfriend, almost ran away from home just to get away from the loneliness of being myself) I didn’t want anyone to judge me, didn’t want anyone to know the pain I felt… didn’t trust them not to crush me.

Now, understand my surprise when at 18-having broken up with my boyfriend the year before and not having a date to the prom, I wanted to go with a male friend who had graduated the year before.  We had been in choir together, he'd been over to the house a few times-so my parents knew him, but there was absolutely no romantic thoughts involved.  I just wanted to go to my senior prom.  My mother refused to allow it.  Why?  Because he was black.  If you didn't know it..I am white.  Understand that this probably confused me the most....my mother raised me to look inside..not outside..and yet all of sudden I couldnt' go to a dance with a friend because he was a different color?  We argued..to me...it was no different than being French and marrying someone who was German.  She laughed at the whole idea.  I went to a school that was predominatly white but lived in a neighborhood predominately black.  I had friends of both races.  Ultimately, I didn't get to go to the prom.  Mom never did see my point..and while I understand that some of it is generational...because I have had others of basically the same generation make the same type of comments...these are good people that don't seem prejudie and would give anyone in need the shirt off their backs...but let their child enter a relationship with someone of a different race...and you can forget it all bets are off...will I feel differently when my child is the one dating...sigh...I just can't imagine I will.  I know that it can be a difficult relationship and that society doesn't always agree...heck, many of you may not agree...but then again, this is my blog, my opinion..I look forward to hearing yours...

And may we all remember that our children are watching and listening..and may we not teach them one thing in life and later rip it out from under them..it hurts..and it confuses them.


I thank you all for being deep and being willing to share your thoughts and opinions...I respect each and every one of you...whether it be your blog that started this or your comments in my blog...because it's a stretch to be so very real.

blessings and hugs,
Vicky

PS...I'll be back tomorrow with another deep entry...unless I get distracted...