Catching Idle Butterflies

Positively foolish

Who said only fools are positive?

Well, I am that fool.

Two days after writing "Invalid Item" , a coworker’s wife brought their 5 month old son to the office. I went over to see him, hoping even for an opportunity to hold him. In watching him, his parents, and everyone else standing around, I realized I was the only person in the room who never had a child. My heart and head filled with such a raw jealousy, I had to leave. It was 5pm anyway, so I went home. I don’t recall leaving work so fast before. Wendy asked why I left in such a hurry, and so embarrassed by my reaction, I couldn’t tell her. I still haven’t, though I know she’d understand. Though she has three children, she also knows what it’s like to struggle to get pregnant.

Last night I had another crisis. I begged God once again to take away this desire, because the hoping hurts too much. Heck, I’ve even bantered about getting a hysterectomy for no other reason than to erase all possibilities. No more hope, no more dream.

No more disappointment.

I moaned and whined, and only after I tired myself out did God speak. He reminded me of the entries in my contest about how we must trust God to make the impossible possible.

I feel as though I have taken 57 huge steps backward; and everything I said in my devotion is all bunk. I haven’t gained any patience or perseverance. That either makes me a liar or a hypocrite.

In truth, though, I’m neither. I’m a human who suffers a crisis of faith once in a while. This was a small one, to be sure, but through it, God showed me how much farther I need to go. That’s a good thing. Taking steps back, or not, I still know the direction forward.

He’s asking me to trust him.

Funny that. Why is it so hard to trust the one who would never betray me? I’m learning, though. Little lessons like this one teach me to trust a little more.

God just showed me something else: hoosiermomma2 wrote today about how and why God expects us to wait for our greatest desires in her blog entry "Where things get deep" . Sometimes we simply aren’t ready for certain things, and I should be thanking God for holding back the things I want because I’m not prepared.

Thanks, Dad .