Off the Cuff / My Other Journal

If I were to live with a robot...

I read in the news that scientists in UC Merced are researching ways to enhance the artificial intelligence of computers to include mimicking humanlike movements.

That would be so wonderful. This means the next time, I shake hands with a robot I won't cringe. Now that we are getting robots to be more humanlike, maybe we can close the gap and make humans more robotlike.

Hey wait a minute! I think it's done already. Well, at least in some circles and especially around the time of the elections. Luckily, we have a two-year respite from that, but...Alas! Not from the robotics in the new congress to lead up to 2008 election robotics. Let's see who can slap down whom not to let him get any brownie points, so the robots of either side can win with a landslide.

Getting back to real robotics, imagine how well we would perform if our thinking were more robotlike. To start with, there would be no need for any New Year's resolutions. The resolutions would be fulfilled immediately.

But I am not a robot and I can't imagine living with one. Besides, I think I'd drive a robot crazy.

If I were to live with a robot, it would chide me in its cadenced, robotic voice, "You-are-not-living-your-life-in-an-organized-way. You-do-not-perform-your-duties-in-a-rational-sequence. Your-binary-functions-are-off-kilter. Remember-how-you-thought-a-desert-chef-invented-a-new-apple-cake-when-you-read-the-news-on-More-Apple-Tablet-Patents. You-are-a-disgrace-to-technology. Even-your-refrigerator-is overfilled-and-is-underperforming."

Okay, little does the robot know that it is Mac that has the tablet, not Apple. How anyone swallows this is his business. I swallow enough pills in my old age and will not touch that one with a ten foot pole. And please, the robot should mind its own creaking metal joints and leave my refrigerator alone.

Besides, that tablet is still a rumor as long as someone just imagines unsubstantiated images with a touch-screen-based user interface. And…an apple cake tastes much better than a swallowing an Apple tablet.

Oh, poor robot!