Breathing Room

When I Wake Up It'll Be Tomorrow

Its times like this week where I wish I had a best girlfriend. I remember the feeling and yet it almost feels foreign to me. Its been a while since I've had that type of friend. I feel as if everything I write is repetitive. And if I had that friend it would be her that I would repeat this stuff too. Constantly, until she told me to give her a break and I would laugh and a couple of hours later want to dissect the situation all over again. I mean it makes me want to cry and my eyes are all watery at work right now. I need that outlet - miss it and it makes me feel inadequate. Like some type of loser who has no real close friends. And clearly I'm not a loser but many times its not so clear.

So Dave and I had an argument this morning. I know its not surprising, but on some level in my head it is. I'd almost convinced myself that I don't really care about this relationship and to distance myself from the whole thing. Not an easy goal when you live with the person but not entirely impossible. I think. God, this whole this is such a waste of time. My time. His time. Just fucking time. I mean five years. I'm 26. At this point we're supposed to be talking marriage and children and all that crap. That's a laugh, if only it was funny. I mean what the hell am I doing. I writing this blog at work trying not to cry and feeling downright pathetic. And it is so pathetic. I remember when I used to watch LifeTime and say "Why doesn't she just leave him? She can find someone else." and I think about that person I was. Fearless. Strong. Determined.

Dave said I'm leaving. Oh really. So I'm asking him to tell me when. Give me a fucking date so I know for sure and I can hold on to that. Why? Because I won't. I can't open my own mouth and say be out by whenever. And of course he doesn't say. He says when he feels like it. Oh, when you've saved enough to get your own apartment. Yeah, he says. But if you want me out tomorrow let me know and I'll go. Why can't I say okay. Or fine, by next week or in two weeks. Because I have fear and no strength. But of course this will blow over. And it'll be like nothing ever happened and we'll go back to this mess of a relationship. And all this will hide under the carpet until next month when one of us trips and we're reminded that nothing has been solved.

I'm having a bad day. I know the way out but I won't take it. I avoid it. I know the way out I know the way out I know the way out. I'm not as dumb as I sound. Or maybe I am. I hope to look back at this and be in a better place and be filled with relief that I made a choice and it was to be free. Free to be me. Because everytime I look in the mirror I see someone different.