Mental Meanderings

Weather Related Moodswings?

Ok, so I’m feeling absolutely awful. I slept through last night and didn’t wake up from feeling awful to blog or DWC and now I’m on the clock because I’m due to go out very soon and won’t be back before deadline. That means a rushed 775 words this morning with a headache, tired, miserable, mopey and just overwhelmingly down mood.

I’m blaming the weather for my mood. When we get one of those tropical storms that wash in over the land producing more static then rain I always get hit with headaches and mood swings. It’s chaotic inside me with this sort of weather. The storm hit early afternoon yesterday and now it’s still overcast and miserable outside.

Inside it’s the same because of that but I’ve got an appointment this morning which is why I’m rushing. I’ve got to get the kids ready and me dressed and out of here. I’m likely to miss breakfast because I have no milk and no time. I can’t just throw together a bowl of cereal why I check my email or get dressed.

I didn’t accomplish much from yesterday’s to do list. I’m already feeling down about letting myself down. I know I shouldn’t beat myself up about it. Especially since I put off DWC and blog until this morning too which means I was really down yesterday. But I can’t help feeling like I’m failing already. It brings home the fact that this task list / goals setting is only of use if I can stick to it.

Now I’m struggling to find the motivation to keep at it. Especially since the daily list seems so long already. No wonder there was so much I didn’t get done if I already had all this to accomplish in a day. DWC, Laundry, Dishes, Beds, 1 hour of walking, breakfast, lunch, dinner, 30 minutes of music, 30 minutes violin practice, blog, and a daily poem. I need to examine the kind of time it would take for each of these tasks so that I can show myself that there are enough hours in a day.

Now I’m trying to fit 775 words into a morning interspersed with getting kids and myself dressed and ready to go out. It isn’t easy. Baby boy is refusing to come and get dressed. Thankfully my daughter is quick to do as she’s told this morning which helps. Especially since I’m not in the mood to deal with them. I know that sounds horrible but sometimes when I’m in a real low I just want the world to disappear and having to struggle to have my children do as their told or being bombarded with their constant questions and need for attention pushes me to the limit.

I adore my children but I know I’m probably not the best parent for them. They have to deal with a bipolar mother and that definitely isn’t something I am happy with. I guess I make up for it knowing that I love them. They have a happy home compared to some of the homes out there and I couldn’t withstand being parted from them. In a way having my kids keeps me alive. Because when I’m in a low they are something to live for. Also having to remain functional enough to attend to them means my lows never get as low as they could get.

It’s been tempting sometimes not to wake up in the morning but when they come in bouncing on my bed and snuggling under my blankets that idea gets turned upside down. Sometimes I don’t want to bother eating but they won’t give up demanding a meal at meal time until it’s made. This means that I have to get up and cook and since I’m cooking a meal I might as well eat some too. My daughter has to go to school each weekday. This means I’m up by 8AM at the latest every school day and getting out of the house to take her. It would be so easy some days to revert to hermitage and no get up and no go out. But my kids force me to face the world.

It makes me wonder what would happen to me if I were to lose them. If something tragic happened or if my ex-husband tried to take custody, I’d be lost. We’ve joked about it in the past and he makes out that he’d love to have them but since he can barely handle a few hours taking care of them without getting frustrated I know he’d never want them for long. Absent fathers don’t understand what goes into the care of their kids.