Mental Meanderings

Slacker directly copied this from her DWC entry.

Frustrated, depressed and in a very low mood. Right now I really, really don’t want to be here. I’ve avoided the computer all day. Spend the day reading novels in bed and I am contemplating grabbing a movie to tide over a few more hours before I sleep. But I’ve an obligation to myself to get these 600 words, and my blog written so here I am again, 9PM my time.

I should feel great comfort in knowing how steadfastly I keep this promise to myself despite how miserable I feel. It’s strange because I used to think my bipolar cycle was a lot more regular then it seems to be. Because of my confusion over my mood swings of late I printed out a calendar and went over my blog entries since I returned to WDC tracking my highs and lows based on the content of those entries. It surprised me to see how inconsistent they really are.

The first two weeks since I rejoined WDC were high, some were manic high and others average but high. Basically if I could maintain those kind of days consistently I’d be a very happy person. But of course manic highs lead to manic lows and those low days are scattered. I used to think it was a consistent three days every time but looking back while it often is three days it isn’t always three days.

At this moment I’m into day four of a low. The thing is today is lower than the three days before it. It’s also pretty low on the scales of my lows. I’d like to curl up in a ball and forget the world exists. I’m easily frustrated with my children. A big part of my frustration comes from them doing things because they’re unsupervised that they shouldn’t be doing. For example, my 2yo spent a good portion of the day in the freezer with the freezer door open leading to a significant defrosting.

This evening I put the child gate up again to keep him out of the kitchen. I have yet to get the house clean after they’ve rampaged through it however and the mice will enjoy the feast of cereal on the floor tonight. I SHOULD clean but in a low like this I can’t even force myself and that’s part of what makes me hate myself. It’s also why this sort of thing becomes a vicious cycle. And the self-hate is a definite sign of a seriously bad low.

200 words to go. I’m just rambling in this bad mood of mine tossing words on a page. I should be talking about my NaNo book but I can’t be bothered. I’m here because I promised myself these words. The fact that I’m here in this incredible low is probably a good sign that things will turn up right eventually. But right now I’m dumping just to get 600 words over and down with so I can return to hermitage.

Interesting that I get about 100 words in a paragraph sometimes. And yet I’ve already written six so shouldn’t my 600 words be over already? I guess some of my paragraphs aren’t as many words as the one above.

Especially if I make short paragraphs like the above.

Ok, now I’m really pushing for the final fifty words. How sad is it that I keep looking at the word count, waiting for it to hit the 600 mark so I can give up for the night? Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.

Ignore me, this too will pass.