Mental Meanderings

The resounding clap of distant explosions...

... reminds me that right this minute the fireworks of the Kelmscott show are decorating the sky. I'm near enough to Kelmscott to hear the noise, it sounds like thunder and in the wind make the air feel like a dry storm is coming. The forecast is for stormy skies this weekend so chances are the morning will be covered in clouds. But right now the noise is of fireworks exploding in the distance. I know where to look for them but there is too much obstructing the view so I can't see the fireworks and I'm not interested enough to figure out where to position myself or climb on the roof so I can watch. lol

The Kelmscott show is an extension of the Royal Show. The Royal show is huge, it takes up the showgrounds completely and they remain there for just over a week. Then a week later, after they've packed up, some of the rides and side shows come to Kelmscott, using the weekend to make some more money and clear more of the toys and showbags that were remainders from the weeklong show.

My sister was working at the Royal Show and is working again this weekend at the Kelmscott show. The stalls are often run by backpackers, people looking to make a quick buck from work any monkey can do. It's hard work, tiring and hot, but the money is pretty decent and she used a week of her regular jobs paid holiday to work the show so ended up getting pay on top of pay which does her very well. She's saving up money to enjoy her holiday to Europe early next year.

My energy is very flat at the moment. The temperature spiked today and it's still hot and humid at the moment so I'm pretty grumpy that my airconditioner isn't working yet. It would the perfect time to make use of it. The heat today mixed with a busy schedule has left me with a headache and I'm on a day three of my low.

On an up note I had a tarot reading today. My mother and I both read the cards and we were visiting a friend who had a deck on her table so we pulled it out and had a personal reading each. Mine were rather insightful and very positive. It's given me a lot of encouragement to push ahead through all the lull I've been facing lately. In the end it seems things will look pretty good.

It pointed out two major issues I have, one is my fear of success. Yes, I'm one of those people who are actually afraid to do well. I keep coming up with the idea that if I work hard and get published I'd have to keep doing it, over and over and over to support my family. In such a creative industry it's hard to come to terms with the expectation of continued success. I really can only take it as it comes however and know that I always have a safety net if I need it.

The other issue is self-doubt. I often fail to acknowledge my own successes and as many who read my blog frequently have noticed I have some pretty strict expectations of myself. There is nothing wrong with holding myself accountable for all I do but I have to remember to reward myself for much successes. Most of the time I do something, it's brilliant, and I push it aside and move onto something new. Internally it's because I expect brilliance from myself so when I reach it I feel like that's exactly what is expected, passable. It's not something extraordinary. But because of how hard I come down on myself when I present less than brilliant I have to learn to acknowledge and reward myself when I do good.

I don't believe in lowering the bar however. I expect brilliance because I know I can achieve it. To lower the bar allows me to lower my personal standard. I'd rather aim high and fail from time to time then aim low and never succeed in anything brilliant. Like an athlete constantly tries to break their own personal best rather than aiming to maintain their average.

Of course that's nothing to the fact that last night I completely forgot to blog. *chuckles* *listens to Sherri's whistling all day long* Anyway, I figure stuff it. At least I remembered in the morning and made the day blue. I can get by with an "opps" from time to time. lol

I redeem myself by remember at a reasonable hour tonight and making a semi reasonable post. *grins*