Genomorph

Chapter 11

CHAPTER 11

Arnie pulled the Kenworth and its loaded trailer onto the highway early the next morning and they were bound for San Francisco. Brandi was silent for most of the drive; she had a lot to think about.
For the most part her nocturnal exercise had worked. She had awakened refreshed and feeling far less pent up tension, though she had engaged in some intimate exercise before going to sleep. But she had very nearly given in to the very thing she was trying to avoid.

~ Maybe it was just adrenaline; I was just caught up in the heat of the moment. He was really cute after all.~

~ Dammit stop thinking that! ~

Most troubling was that it had not been like before with Jeremy. Then it had been like she was watching as her body reacted against her wishes. In the park, she had known exactly what she was doing and had wanted it. Was she becoming exactly what she was so afraid she would?

“You been awful quiet this mornin’ Brandi,” Arnie said, breaking her from her introspection.

“I have a lot of issues to deal with,” Brandi sighed.

“You figured out what you’re gonna do?”

“Some,” Brandi said. “I was waiting till later to tell you, but I’ve decided that when you get back to LA with your next load I’ll be staying there. I need to start getting my life in order.”

“Yeah I kinda expected that,” Arnie said. “LA’s a good place for you. Why I bet in no time I’ll be seein’ you on a movie screen somewhere.”

“I don’t think you watch the kind of movies that would want me Arnie.”

“Now don’t you go sellin’ yourself short girl!” Arnie said his voice edged with anger. “You’re smart and you’re pretty and a girl puts them two together and look out world!”

“Arnie, I’m a dizzy blonde, you know that,” Brandi giggled.

“Now, you act all silly most of the time, but I been watchin’ you,” Arnie said seriously. “You got a brain and you know how to use it.

“Thanks Arnie that means a lot,” Brandi said sincerely. “I don’t mean to act the way I do…it just sorta happens.”

“Well, ya know sometimes it’s easier to show people a mask than our real face,” Arnie said seriously.

They reached San Francisco by mid morning, and after dropping the load they drove to the electronics warehouse to pick up the trailer there. When they arrived Arnie was told there had been a delay and the load would not be ready until late the next morning. But they did have another load they needed delivered to a distributor about two hours to the east in Oakdale.

Arnie accepted the load saying, “Hey, mo money in my pocket,” and they were off to Oakdale.

After dropping that trailer, Arnie pulled into a hotel, saying they could drive back to San Francisco in the morning in plenty of time to get the LA bound trailer.

“Why don’t we go grab a few beers tonight?” Arnie suggested. “Sorta as a goodbye celebration.”

“You know I haven’t had a beer in a long time,” Brandi said. She was fairly certain she could control how intoxicated she got. The last thing she needed was to get falling down drunk. “That sounds like a great idea.”

They found a decent little country and western bar just down the road from the hotel, close enough that they could walk. It had a live band that was pretty good, and they found a table far enough away that they could talk. When the waitress came for their orders she asked Brandi for ID, and took a long look at it before handing it back. Brandi smiled and ordered a Killian’s for herself and a Coors for Arnie, having told him already that she was buying the drinks.

They talked for a while and Arnie asked Brandi more about herself. She knew many of her answers sounded evasive, but Arnie never pressed. As the evening progressed the bar began filling up, and several times men came over and asked Brandi if she would like to dance ... after making sure it was all right with the big trucker. She politely declined each time, though part of her wanted to accept. Having Arnie nearby helped her keep her desires under control, but he could not help but notice that she appeared conflicted each time.

“It ain’t none a my business, but why do you dress like that Brandi?” Arnie asked eventually. “A pretty girl like you should be wearin’ pretty clothes.”

“I just ... it’s really complicated Arnie,” Brandi told him. “I guess I just feel safer dressed this way.”

“Ya cain’t hide who you are darlin’,” Arnie said gently. “Hell ev’ry guy in the place is checkin’ you out an wondr’n what you’re doin’ with me.”

“What if you don’t want to be who you are?” Brandi asked. “It’s not even that really. But what if I let myself be ... well, like, me ... and I don’t like that person?”

“Whoa now we getting’ a bit deep for this Alabama boy,” Arnie grinned. “You can be whoever you set yo mind to be, Brandi. Yeah I’ll always be a slow talkin’, Alabama bred truck driver, but who we are ain’t just about who we were born. It’s about how we treat the folks around us.”

“Well, you’re a really nice guy, Arnie,” Brandi told him sincerely. “It’s too bad there aren’t more out there like you.”

“Yeah well I wasn’t always like that,” Arnie said. “I used to be pretty much good fer nothin’. I did purty much jest what I needed to get by an nothin’ more. That’s why I joined the army. I got paid and fed and such and as long as I did what I was told I got by. I wasn’t worried ‘bout helpin’ anyone else ... unless it helped me. I figgered I was a good person and didn’t cause no one problems, and I didn’t need to go outta my way for no one else.”

“So what changed?”

“Someone showed me what it really means to be a good person,” Arnie said sadly, and then sighed heavily. “Darlin’, I don’ know what yo runnin’ away from. I don’ think it’s some boyfriend that didn’t treat you right, but I do think it’s got you mighty scared. But if there’s one thing I learned in Iraq, it’s there comes a time when you gotta stand and you gotta fight.”

“I appreciate what you’re saying,” Brandi told him. “It’s just ... it’s different with me. I wish I could tell you all about me. My life is just, like, really complicated.”

Arnie laughed heartily and said, “Life’s got a way ‘o gettin’ like that. You’re a good girl Brandi. You got a good heart, I can tell that even tho’ we only just met. You’ll find your way.”

They had another round and then Arnie drove her back to the hotel. Back in her room for the night Brandi thought about the future. Tomorrow she would be in LA and alone. She was beginning to believe that the harder she fought thinking and acting like a girl, the harder her programming worked to make her that way. But the programming was very limited, and she was worried that if she continued to fight, she could wind up being nothing more than a shell driven by that programming.

But if that was true, it meant the only way to stop it was to stop fighting. She was not sure she had it in her to do that. But maybe Arnie was right; it wasn’t that she had to stop fighting ... she had to stop running. Maybe it was time to face the girl she was and fight to make that girl someone she could live with.