Bloggin' Umholtz

Be Careful What You Ask For

Preface: Today at work one of my cube mates sent an email advising us of an environmental program on the History Channel tonight. Jokingly he added that he expected a 500 word essay on it. Sooooo....

500 word essay on "it"

"It" is a funny word, so small but yet so useful. Just think, without "it", sh** would merely be "sh". Warnings would go unheeded. "Look out! Here it comes!" would fall meaningless into the vast cauldron of confused statements having become, simply if confusingly, "Look out! Here comes!"

"Here comes what?" You ask your verbal informer, only to have his answer drowned out by the rapidly approaching train. So you can see without "it" we would be severely handicapped, not to mention most probably the hood ornament for a Norfolk Southern locomotive.

We literally, as the song says, "can't live without "it" "

Now I remember, in my younger more rebellious years I attempted to eliminate some of the more useless words in the English language. Words like "smutch". Now don't go running to look that word up, Bob George can tell you the meaning. He has smutched more than once in his life, I'm sure. But I never once thought of removing the word "it" The value of "it" is tremendous. Why if I had a nickel for every time someone asked me "How much is it?" I'd be a wealthy man. You cannot put a value on the word "it" The copious rules of numismatics simply do not apply. Its value goes beyond any mere mortal's attempt at quantification.

"It" represents so many things. From "It's a beautiful day." to the fatalistic "I guess this is it." the word "it" can be used to cover most any situation. Try and do that with some lame brained word like "hovercraft" and see where that gets you. (Hovercraft is totally uselesss unless you happen to have an abundance of eels)

You can use "it" to locate things.

"Hey Joe, where's the button to shut down the reactor?" Bill asks as steam lines burst and alarms sound and flashing lights...well... flash behind him.

"Why Bill, I have "it" right here."

Because of "it", Bill is greatly relieved. The reactor is safe as long as they know where the button is. Big mistake. Bill should have asked the follow up question:

"Hey Joe, why isn't "it" connected to the panel anymore?"

"Why Bill, don't you know? "It" never was." The maniacal laughter from Joe should be sufficient to pucker Bill's sphincter.

Now of course, Bob, you have me puzzled as to why this sudden interest in "it" After all "it" has gone about "its" business all these years with little or no fanfare, and I have no idea what "it" has to do with the upcoming environmental program but I try to accommodate you as best I can. (Your doctor told me that was the safest thing to do)

I hope that I have satisfied your curiosity and that you understand the importance of "it", a small but mighty word. And remember the famous last words of Bill as the reactor glowed red.

"Bend over, put your head between your legs, and kiss "it" goodbye."

I hope this is a satisfactory report on "it"

Do I get extra credit for being first?

Might I suggest that for tomorrow's assignment you use the word "hotch"

PS You don't even want to know what I did with the phrase "Moose hunting on a Bicycle"