Mental Meanderings

Upsetting the plans of a BiPolar

Ok, so some already know that I have BiPolar Disorder. Most of the time it's manageable. I keep it in order by being strict (to a degree) about my sleep pattern and eat pattern. I've found some things set it off, there are guarenteed ways to plummet my cycle.

One of the things that gives a knee jerk reaction is a disruption to plans. In fact part of the time I avoid making plans unless I can be sure they'll be followed through. If they won't be then they're only penciled in as we'll see type plans. But today I had planned to go into Perth for the day and the weather disrupted my plans.

A part of me still argues I should have gone even with the predicted rainstorm. I should have stuck to the plan. This morning I debated long and hard and even as I dropped my daughter off to school I hadn't decided. I gave another long look at the dismal sky and grumped then started marching home.

Josh didn't like the disrupted plans. The only reason he was willing to get dressed this morning is the enticement of the train trip so he was very unhappy to find out we'd not be riding the train that day. My knee jerk reaction? JUNK FOOD!!! Yep, a detour five minutes out of the way to the deli to purchase, chips, chocolate and softdrink. It made Josh happy and a part of me was satisfied to do something.

What is the definition of insanity? Is it knowing how rediculous some of your actions are but being unable to control the compulsion to do them? It seems a reasonable explaination to give and that would make me insane. Even as I walked each step I knew what I was doing was just stupid. I'm trying to lose twenty pounds not gain them, I'm trying to save money not spend it, etc. Junk food is a wrench into all my plans and yet with the plans for the day disrupted I had a compulsion to justify myself, spoil myself, or something equally rediculous and I did it with completely unhealthy food.

Of course doing so sets me into shame spiral if I let it. I keep having to give myself permission to go off the rails today. Understand that it's a reaction to the upset plans and deal with the fact that occassionally I stuff up. Otherwise I'll just blame myself and hate myself and judge myself. Wallow in self-pity which makes me want more junk food. See what I mean about those shame spirals? Down and down and just more down.

So... I have to evaluate the day. Understand the reaction. Come to terms with it. Maintain my routines and remind myself that tomorrow is another day with no plans to be disturbed. I should look at what I managed to accomplish today that I might not have been able to had I been able to follow through with my plans. I should appreciate that the plans can be resheduled for another day.

Of course the trip to the Library weren't the only plans thrown out today. My sister finally came through with a final headcount for the Gala Premier Girls Night Out we were going to do on Thursday but when I called to book the tickets they were sold out. That means we won't be doing the movie thing but we're working to make new plans. Everything in pencil because there are too many uncertainties at this stage.

I hate disrupting my plans. I think part of issues like this are seated in childhood issues. It's all psycobable though, something to entertain the looney bins but too much bullshit to go into with everyone else.

Still, I hope I can balance out the chaos of todays turmoil because if it tosses me into a low out of cycle it'll toss the whole cycle on it's head and I'm too used to managing the flows. Having said that I've slept a lot more than normal yesterday so maybe the flow was already disturbed before this. In fact perhaps a mixed-cycle is why I reacted so much to todays disrupted plans?

*shrugs* Who the hell knows. I just know what I need to do to try and keep things balanced as best I can. I can't control it all but I can at least do some things to try and keep it manageable. If I hit a low or a high I maintain my routine despite the moods and push past back to balance. Hopefully. The trouble is the inbetweens can often be as chaotic as the manics.

So now what? Get it all on a page or give up trying to make sense of the misfirings of my brain? Let myself appreciate the normalness in being completely nuts? *grins* And know that for some strange reason the greatest minds of this world were all diagnosed either before or after death with some sort of mental disorder. Basically mental instability is a pretty 'normal' state.