Mental Meanderings

Lifes little diversions

It's amazing how easy it is to do nothing in this day and age. It's school holiday's right now (oldest goes back to school on Tuesday *celebrates*) and while I dealt with a serious low earlier this week that meant I'd spend all day in bed taking advantage of the fact that I didn't 'have' to get up I'm back to waking and actually getting out of bed for the day now.

Still, although I remove my carcass from the covers and drag myself into the chilled air of the house it's still an effort to do much of anything else. I dress, ensure my kids are both suitably approaching a new day (ie. diaper change and clean clothes) look at the pantry for breakfast inspiration then groan and wander into the laundry to get the machine going.

The good news of the laundry being between my bedroom and the toilet is that it's easy to throw a load into the washing machine when I have to go for the first time in a day. So that means at least one load of laundry will get washed in a day. Of course it's getting dry after washing is another story and who knows if that'll come about since there are a great many distractions in the two hours of the soak an wash cycle.

Having done that I glance around and see everything that I should be doing but of course I don't want to mop the kitchen floor or putter around in the garden getting weeds out of the roses. So I stroll back inside and give the two sticky notes on my computer a dirty look before wandering off to get a drink. Those sticky notes have two short suggestions that remind me I'd told myself I should spend 20 minutes each morning writing and 20 minutes each evening editing. I haven't done any writing or editing since I wrote the notes about a month ago.

I return to the computer and power it up. Check my email. Wonder what to do with my day. Check my email again. Browse a couple of websites from my favorites. Nothing new. Check my mail again. By now I'm in full procrastinating form so I have no guilt pulling up a game of one sort or another.

Dark Age of Camelot is popular and time disappears playing that. But I've also taken to a couple of games from Oberon Media and The Sims 2. Lupo also has me hooked on a few web comics and is undoubtably planning to introduce me to a few more. Of course with him working business hours this past week I can't blame him for distracting me all day.

Now it's nearly midnight and I look back on a very unproductive and yet completely full day. My kids had fun. I had fun. We had meals at respectable hours. They had a bath and to bed at bedtime. And yes, I even rotated the laundry (*cheers*) But I could stand to do the dishes, the kitchen floor still isn't mopped. And I have yet to write or edit.

Another day when my resolution to fight for my dream is put to one side and I'm starting to search out what the true cause of this 'block' is. It's not that I can't write. (*points to entrails of babble that comprise this blog entry*) But the prospect on working on something that could actually serve a purpose makes me gag. It's fear. True to goodness anxiety attack, sweety palms, shortness of breath and this insistant urge to run like hell or put my fingers in my ears and hum to pretend I can't hear it.

Something is definately not right when just the thought of thinking about writing or editing, or doing anything with my life's blood, words, gives me the desire to vomit until there is nothing in my stomach. What is so daunting about writing a simple story, or a poem, or taking a look at the draft I wrote over a year ago? Why is this turmoil haunting me? Where does this fear originate and how can I conquer it and find my joy in the words on a page again?

*sighs softly* I don't know. But it's something I WILL (*grrs at almost writing should and vowing to change it and make it a resolution instead of a possibility*) look carefully at and give some true thought and serious consideration. I will find the root of this block and disolve it so that I can walk with courage on the path of my destiny.

But now, of course, it's bedtime, and tomorrow will perhaps be as today was. Or perhaps, at last, I'll find a way to stick to my heart. Instead of taking the easy detours, and discoursing upon lifes little diversions.