Orion's Testicle

Chapter 17 - Broken Balls

Scottle sulked into his bowl of caramel covered multi layered chocolate cornflakes. He couldn’t believe it. Stone balls. Of all the horrid and nasty things that could happen to him, he had to get the most soul destroying. Suddenly, his other half broke out.
“What the Guitar have you got now! STONE BALLS! Ok, you really do suck ducks. This is just great. I finally come out of your conscience to have lots of sex, and the day after you can’t even do it.”
“Look, it wasn’t my fault, let’s just go to the doctors and get it fixed.”
“You can’t get it fixed, bullock bottom. It’s a rare disease, there aint a cure on this darned rock.”
“Oh…that’s bad.”
“Yes, very bad. Now build a spaceship so we can get this cured illness done.”
“I don’t know how.”
“Guitar, your completely and totally useless.”
“Look, not a lot of people can build spaceships.”
“Yeah, but you’ve really let me down. Fine, We’ll just have to do without working balls.”
“I guess so.”
Scottle rammed his head on the wall to make the voice stop. He promptly knocked himself unconscious and lay on his kitchen floor for 4 hours.

Patrick, however, woke up that morning to find that half of his house had been removed and then replaced with the latter half of a whale. Reading the post, he discovered that he had been made king of an indigenous tribe of sub humans in the Accoustan continent. He then opened the fridge to find what could only be described as an octopus with penises attached to the end of it’s tentacles (Which Patrick later named Cocktopus) sitting on the bottom shelf.
Many people would think that Patrick should spend more time pondering the mysteries of exactly how and why such strange things happened to him and only him, but in the end it just wasn’t worth the bother for him to think about it, it was a chore enough to deal with the problems as they came up.
In a flash, the Cocktopus was upon him, and had latched itself to his head and was trying to find a meal within the confines of his nose.
Patrick threw it to the floor and elbow dropped it into submission. He later caged it and it became a prime talk topic for parties later held at his house.
Walking to the dining room, he discovered a message on the notice board and to his horror realised that the battle of the bands was only three days away.
He stepped back down the hall and walked passed the sign again just to make sure it was real. Unfortunately, it was.
Patrick did what any Orionan would do in times of great panic. He rang his gang and went floatboarding.
They met up at the corner shop. Anna was looking rather unhappy, but she managed to smile when she saw everyone had turned up. Meg was looking rather flustered, and had got dressed in rather a hurry. Em seemed surprisingly glum about something which Patrick could only guess as to what it was.
Scottle had also arrived, and kept looking at Anna uncomfortably, like she was a pack of Skittles in a bear trap. He felt the need to say something, but he knew the risks. He kept stepping closer to her, and then stepping away slightly, which Patrick found very amusing.
As Anna came within talking distance of Patrick, she pointed downwards.
“Patrick, you have misplaced your pants.”
Patrick gazed at himself and reluctantly accepted this fact. He had not worn any leg-based garments since the occasion when Em had become a mermaid.
He ran back to his home for a second to grab some jeans, came back, tripped over a tortoise, which unusually had a burn mark on it’s back and was carrying(without opposable thumbs, it should be noted) a golfing bag around it’s neck.
They set of at precisely 4.7m/s. After Patrick saw the cuttlefish aquarium everyone quickly accelerated at a rate of 10m/s². The author is labelling these physics here as he has just had a rather long and boring physics lesson inflicted upon him, therefore in a spiteful way of releasing one’s irritancy, following this paragraph is an equation for the entire science of physics.

THE SOUND OF HIS VOICE = TOTAL BOREDOM OF THE LESSON
THE LENGTH OF THE LESSON

And following is a rule which is consistent throughout all of physics.

The Speed of the object times the Diameter of the fan is equal to the fact that no one cares.

Back to the realm of story telling, however.
Patrick, Anna, Meg, Em and Scottle arrived to find the fat security guard barely-conscious on the floor of the gate, with an open bar of Etalococh next to him.
He started murmuring.
“Flowers, for me? Oh thank you mister sandman, I just wanted to say that you’ve always been my life’s fantasy…”
Our group of teenagers looked at each other and then walked past.
“Oh, hold on, guys, I just gotta go back for something. See you inside.”
Everyone but Anna walked through the door, which the security guard had left open.
Anna pulled a piece of paper from her pocket and clicked a pen.
She wrote the following words:

I think it’s fair to say that you are the most repellent person in the universe. You have the sexual appeal of a pubic louse.
Yours, Patrick Scottle

She placed the note into the Security Guards hands and walked into the magnificent interior of Orion’s Testicle.
Looking off the jetty she could see that most of the gang had already set off into the glistening ocean. Patrick, not the one to conform to convention, had rented an aubergine boat and was plummeting down the side of a water geyser that had erupted a split second before Anna looked at him. Em was a little shy of going in water since the experience as a fairy, so was on a boat some way off the jetty, and looked very shocked when the boat was engulfed in the interior of a massive tidal wave and capsized.
Meg was nearby, and rushed to Em’s aid on her float board.
Scottle was waiting on the side of the jetty for Anna.
She thanked him by snogging him for several minutes (as dirty minded Orionan teenagers do).
After that, they set off together, and float boarded whilst holding each others hands.
Anna regarded the depths below with interest…there was a glow coming from down below, and she stopped to investigate it.
The iron door she had seen when she met Scottle was still there, but this time the hatchway was open, and a mysterious green glow was emanating from it.
The tell tale signed of oxygen bubbles being sucked in told Anna that she was about to be in danger.
The water began to roar, and around Anna erupted a vortex of current.
She was sucked downwards, screaming, into the depths of Orion’s Testicle.
Scottle screamed and reached for her, and was himself sucked into the depths, just as Megan and Em arrived at the scene to try to help.
Megan screamed at Em.
“We have to do something!”
Em looked at her uncomfortably.
“What can we possibly do? We should get help of the coastguard or something.”
“I’m not leaving her!”
“We can’t just stay here! We could get ripped apart!”
“Look, I’m not going to fall out with you, but-”
The last part of her sentence was cut off by the sound of an aubergine boat plummeting into them and knocking them into the portal.



"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that. Because what the world needs, is people who have come alive."