Mental Meanderings

In search of the road to recovery

I sit here frowing at the familiar yellow and black pages, the names of friends who've probably long forgotten me and the screaming agony of my self-doubts as I try to turn my feet back to the path. Many months ago my mental meanderings led me far astray and while there has been joy and sadness in the strange wanderings along random trails the call of a steady road, the road back to my writing calls.

I miss the words. I use them every day and yet without purpose, without destiny, they hold no power. The power of words when formed inspire and delight and at the same time bring dark dread, chilling fear, shivering self-conciousness and doubt.

This feeling is a horrid weight leaning on my head, bowing my neck, straining my back and shoulders. I struggle to stand tall, to carry the weight like one with a finely postured walk might balance a book. I breathe, one breath at a time trying to supress the constriction of my lungs, trying to inhale deeply and fully and struggling to find the oxygen in air that seems so thin.

But I look ahead and behind in the same instant. In both directions are my dreams. For in the past they were so strong and clear and in the future they stand tall and proud. If I can get past this present, step back on the path that leads me to the future I've always dreamed of I could find my way to them.

Every step is just one step. For some reason stepping away from the road is easier then stepping toward it. Each step is an agony, like razors beneath my feet, cutting my apart and making my whole being wince knowing that the next step will be agony, and the one after. But unless I force myself to take those steps I'll never have what I want.

So I step, and step again. My feet bring me back to where I'd left the road many months ago. I look, left and right, seeing no traffic, the road lays dormant as if waiting for me to return. It looks firm and disappears into the distance in both directions. I step ahead, and now on the road face the future, determined to continue stepping forward and turning my eyes to the future rather than letting them find the distraction of the world either side of the road.

Long ago I wrote a post entitled, "Priorities, Willpower, and Action." Today I reevaluate and find myself coming full circle. So, I begin again, and I know that while it feels like starting over I've learnt a great deal already, and the path ahead is all new and full of opportunity.

So long as I just keep stepping forward...