Straight No Chaser

X-Rated Thoughts

and not good ones.

god i deserve better than this. if you like me, which most of you reading this do, then you'd be crying, too, if you knew where i currently am, and what i've been subjected to today.

self-esteem isn't supposed to be reactive. i was supposed to start believing, at some point before now, like maybe in middle school, that i am good, that i deserve good. it shouldn't have taken what it's taken, so far, to make me realize, no, this can't be it, god i deserve better than this.

adventure, yes. but, worst adventure of my life.

1. how old do you wish you were?
zero. start me all over.

2. where were you when 9/11 happened?
third period, eleventh grade psychology class. working on the morning warmup.

3. what do you do when vending machines steal your money?
walk away sadly. not capable of much else.

4. do you consider yourself kind?
to a fault.

5. if you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
inner left wrist, where no one would see it unless i wanted them to.

6. if you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
spanish would have the most practical application in today's world. french is prettier, though. but maybe i'd like to learn latin. the literary world would be my oyster.

7. do you know your neighbors?
not very well. my parents aren't very friendly. on one side is an indian doctor and his wife, two daughters and a son-in-law; other side is a guy who likes to talk about lawnmowers a bit too much.

8. what do you consider a vacation?
no people and a book.

9. do you follow your horoscope?
the only thing i "follow" is "baby blues," hell if i know why.

10. would you move for the person you loved?
apparently there is no limit to the idiotic decisions i'd make for his benefit.

11. are you touchy feely?
only in specific situations.

12. do you believe that opposites attract?
living proof.

13. dream job?
novelist, creative writing teacher. but, i need six fiures. sorry.

14. favorite channel?
was nbc till the great suckitude movement. now it's probably tlc.

15. favorite place to go on weekends?
thai restaurants and bookstores. krystle's house. my bedroom. not picky.

16. showers or baths?
mom says it's good for a girl to take a bath once in a while. i try to make it once a week. otherwise, showers.

17. do you paint your nails?
i painted my nails two nights ago, for the first time since the sophomore year homecoming dance. i'm not one for frills, i may have mentioned.

18. do you trust people easily?
i trust four people, and that number isn't likely to expand any time soon.

19. what are your phobias?
whales, the ocean, sterility and failure.

20. do you want kids?
see above. i want my boy and my girl, in that order.

21. do you keep a handwritten journal?
i should. i feel ilke i'm becoming too commercial, and too dependent on readership. i've always been really stilted with the handwritten journals, always stopping and starting, tossing them out when i piss myself off. that's why i don't have one now, because i wrote something really annoying, once, realized what an idiot i was and couldn't face myself in writing for a while afterwards.

22. where would you rather be right now?
scattered along the suez canal.

23. who makes you feel warm and fuzzy?
bleh.

24. heavy or light sleeper?
according to krystle, who should know, i sleep very deeply between the hours of two and eight, after which i'll wake to the sound of a falling hair.

25. are you paranoid?
nope. it would take a lot for me to convince myself anyone gave a shit what i was up to.

26. are you impatient?
yes. i'm ready for morning.

27. who can you relate to?
everyone i've ever met, on some grounds somewhere.

28. how do you feel about interracial couples?
love is love, but i've got mixed feelings as far as their sociopolitical implications.

29. have you been burned by love?
anyone who hasn't probably hasn't loved. but, i hate twentysomethings who spit pseudo-worldly generalizations like they know anything. yes. i have.

30. what's your favorite pickup line?
guy next to me, just now: "and i thought [name of this apartment building] had run out of pretty girls." not because it's particularly original, just, it's the only one i can call to mind, right now, hyped up on amp as i am.

31. what's your main ringtone on your mobile?
i actually don't know. i keep it on vibrate all the time, except when i'm in the shower. for marcus it plays a little bit of a mozart sonata.

32. what were you doing at midnight last night?
talking to marcus about the carl saunders version of "one note samba."

33. what did the last text on your cellphone say?
you mean my mobile? it said, "then it can only get better from here. perk up, buttercup."

34. whose bed did you sleep in last night?
marcus's.

35. what color shirt are you wearing?
can't remember; i have on a hoodie.

36. most recent movie you watched?
the omen. one of the worst i've seen in a while. the davinci code meets final destination 3, but, not as good as either one.

37. name three things you have on you at all times?
my amethyst drop pendant, sapphire-and-diamond ring, wrought sterling silver stack rings. everything else i forget or lose occasionally.

38. what color are your bed sheets?
whatever color the housekeeper chooses, every wednesday.

39. how much cash do you have on you right now?
bills fly like a flock of pigeons, in atlanta. i had fifty this morning, and now i think i have a five and some pennies.

40. what is your favorite part of the chicken?
the flour and oil it's fried in.

41. what's your favorite town/city?
i don't know, i haven't been there yet.

42. i can't wait till: i get what i want.

43. what's your favorite color?
kendal green.

44. what did you have for dinner last night?
a salmon, baby lettuce and dill mayonnaise pannini sandwich.

45. how tall are you barefoot?
five foot five.

46. have you ever smoked heroin?
can you smoke heroin? i thought you had to shoot it. either way, i gets high on life.

47. do you own a gun?
no, and i never will. guns kill people!

48. what do you prefer to drink in the morning?
apple juice. coffee and tea make me pee four times as frequently as i normally do.

49. what is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
maybe my voice, when i'm using it right. the only surefire "weapon" would be my hips, glimpses of which make people pretend to like me.

50. do you have add?
(the acronym, it means.) probably so, though i was never diagnosed. besides sexual activity, i can't concentrate on any single thing for longer than about thirty seconds. i can't eat without a book, can't read without music, can't work without writing.com, et cetera. i'm miserable in most classrooms.

51. what time did you wake up today?
eight-thirty, to kiss marcus goodbye before his art class.

52. current worry?
that this guy will keep flirting with me and i'll have to awkwardly go upstairs.

53. current hate?
myself, for letting this be my three in the morning. i want to be asleep.

54. favorite place to be?
there.

55. where would you like to travel?
shreveport in the winter, paris someday, italy someday, sydney, which my brother says is wonderful, and definitely africa.

56. where do you think you'll be in ten years?
i've basically just signed on for four more years of school, maybe more if i get serious about this ph.d. thing, so i'm guessing that in ten years i'll just be getting around to building an actual life for myself. sucks, huh.

57. last thing you ate?
watermelon sorbet from coldstone's, eleven hours ago. oh! and a handful of skittles.

58. what songs do you sing in the shower?
whatever's in my head at the time.

59. last thing that made you laugh?
the fact that ceelo green inexplicably changed his name to gnarls barkley.

60. worst injury you've ever had?
broken collarbone. don't ask.

61. does someone have a crush on you?
multiple someones.

62. what's your favorite candy?
reese's peanut butter cups.