My Blog

Thinking too much, again!

Ok, now I'm going to get philosophical on ya. Sorry, but I have a lot of shit running through my head and I need to write it down to help me figure it out. Probably still won't figure it out, but it's nice to think I might.

What the hell is my purpose? A lot of people seem to believe that everyone has a purpose in life. We are here until we learn what it is or fulfill it, and then we are allowed to move on to whatever is next...death, Heaven, Hell, purgatory, the next life, whatever...

So, how do I figure out what my purpose is? I must still have one, I wasn't allowed to die when I tried to kill myself at the end of September. My boyfriend's daughters had a "strange feeling" that something was really wrong and came back and found me. The doctor and psychiatrist said that if they hadn't, I'd be dead. I took enough pills that I should have died or at least ended up in a Nursing Home unable to care for myself.

Instead, I'm alive and kicking and really confused. Sometimes life is good, but most of the time it sucks. I have a lot of physical and mental problems that all the medications and physical therapy in the world do nothing to alleviate. So, what's the fucking point?

Am I here to suffer? Is that it? Is this some kind of karmic payback for things I did wrong in my last life and earlier in this one? I'd love to know. Why was my ex-bf, Joe, allowed to die last summer? He od'd and it worked. What was his fucking purpose? He didn't do shit but sleep, eat and watch tv. The only thing he did was get me stuck in PA and if that hadn't happened I wouldn't have met Scott, who, despite the occasional nasty fight, I'm pretty happy with. He loves me, I love him...maybe that's why?

Scott hasn't gotten in any trouble with the law since he met me. He used to get ticketed for public intoxication about once a week, before we met. He doesn't drink anywhere near as much as he did almost two years ago when we met. So, is that my purpose? To keep him happy and sane? If so, what's his purpose? To keep me from killing myself by loving me? I mean, really...that sounds so damn simple when you think about it.

Ah well, enough rambling. Any thoughts welcome.

TTFN,
Claire