what matters and why

barriers

All I wanted tonight was to talk to you. To know that you were thinking about me. To hear your voice. And, as I should have expected I was disappointed. I wonder why I let myself go through this. I don't think I have ever hurt this much. Letting you go with be the most difficult challenge. And considering what I've been through the last two years, you should know that something I consider a challenge is significant. I wonder why I let you in. Why you effect me the way you do. I spend so much time waiting for you, wanting you. A waste of my time? O r is it possible that I love you that much... And if that, why? I'm not ignorant, I'm not oblivious. I knew what to expect when I got myself into this. And that was nothing. Expectations in this kind of situation only hurt. And I knew that. Nine months later and I'm still here. Allowing you to have control over my emotions. I want out, but I don't know how to do that. When I say it, you choose not to hear me. When I respond with sarcasm, you do the same. It goes nowhere. Sometimes I think I don't know you anymore than the first time I met you. And you the same. How am I supposed to open up to someone who holds no value to fidelity? And after my own marriage ends because of that, and you expect me to understand what you're going through. I don't. It was different. Maybe more extreme, maybe less, but different. You don't know who I am. You might think that you're close, but there's so much more. And the more part I don't think will ever be available to you because of how much hurt you have caused. I wish it was different. You are everything I always wanted. But there is that one thing...... and as long as that is a barrier, I will never let you in.