Zee Blog

Passion - By Utada Hikaru

God I'm such a geek. I'm always aware that I am, but sometimes I'm moreso conscious of it.

Kingdom Hearts 2 came out yesterday. I've played it through a bit, and I have to say thanks to Japan. They never let me down. If any of you out there are thinking to yourself, "Man, that game is retarded. I love Square games, but Disney characters? Come on." I felt the same way until I got the first game on a fluke. My 'ex' washed my phone and as a "sorry" present she bought the game for me. It only took me about 15 minutes of playing to become so inexplainably hooked to it that you would have had to cut my hands off with a hatchet to get me to go outside for a week.

Just try it. Go on. Everybody's doing it.

On other topics, I've been working on a comic for my dad. It's a recruiting tool for Junior High Students. Ya, I know, a lot of people are probably groaning. Suffice to say, it's one of the more important things I've done with my time.

I'm not strong into being the military man either, and trust me, being the only child in a family that isn't in the Air Force can be a bit of a burden, but I've never come to doubt the significance of our armed forces, or the opportunities it can provide. If you can tell me a place where you can not only get an assosciates degree in Computer Networking, sallary, medical benefits, and someone to pay for your college completely while only having to participate two days out of a month, then please, tell me. I need a new job.

I've been wondering if there is something wrong with me lately, yet again, when don't I?

Seriously though, it's been gnawing at the fringes of my mind.

Life seems to be on an upswing lately. I have some of my oldest friends back, life is beginning to pick up the pace, and for some reason I can't help but to fight back this ongoing rush of depression.

The dam hasn't broke, but for some reason I always feel like all it would take for me to break would be a feather to fall on my shoulder.

Sometimes I can't help but to feel like I just want to cry, to break down, but I never seem to let myself do it. It's like an older brother keeping his younger brother from running into the street.

I'm still hurting from April. No matter how hard I've tried to keep her out of my life lately, she keeps "popping" into the picture.

Either Shauna is coming home to tell me something else she is fucking herself up with, or another letter showing up at my place with her name on it even though she said she changed her address, or her texting me to ask me if I know where something of her's is.

I think some of the problem stems from this constant bickering in my mind. This talk between my heart and my mind, and the disappointment of the latter.

I can't help but to think that if for some reason she showed up at my door tomorrow and asked to be back with me I couldn't help myself but to say "yes".

My mind says, "Of course we wouldn't. Just LOOK at what she has done to us!"

Then my heart, in the faintest of whispers says "I wish I could just hold her."

Then it's a fight. A struggle. One telling the other they're wrong. One trying to rationalize while the other simply gushes with emotion screaming that everyone makes mistakes.

It's a vicious cycle, and if, like an abusive parent, I could beat them both into a sense of cowering fear I think I would. Nothing quiets two bickering children like five to the face.

Anyways, I'm out on my porch freezing. It is time to go inside and play a bit of Kingdom Hearts 2 before I go to bed.