Warmness of the Soul

I have a blubi!

"Welcome to nowhere and finding out where it is
do you remember how to start over again?
this day could be the last one yet
just one more moment for you to catch your breath
you dont have long, take it while you can
don't get lost in the crowd.."

(something i wrote just a little while ago before i started this journal.. but it has to do with what i feel like writing about)..

Too many people take life for granted and waste it all away by not taking advantage of the time they have, doing the things they want to do instead of what people tell them to, living the life they dreamed about rather than what was scripted. I'm only 21 but I miss being a kid and not having a worry, or a care, or a rule that i have to technically follow, or a bill i have to pay..

"the more the light shines through me, i pretend to close my eyes. The more the dark consumes me, I pretend that im burning bright.."

After all the shit i've gone through in my life, with people, family, school, friends, girls, myself, my thoughts, my dreams, etc.. I got to the point where it just all almost becamse too much to bear so i just started to hide everything. "the dark" consumed me and i kept putting on a front to everyone which in some ways i still do to this day.. I reached out to try and help everyone but myself which in result made it worse. I got very good at lying, extremely good at faking feelings, and fucking awesome at manipulation.. none of which im really all that proud of.

"oh take your time, dont live too fast... troubles will come and they will pass.. you'll find a woman and you'll find love, and don't forget that there is someone up above"

I've grown up in "the church" all my life. There has never been any moment where I missed a sunday or a wednsday church service. Granted I will never be the first one to cast a stone let alone do it at all. I will not condemn someone to hell when i'm no where near perfect myself. I have always been a slight rebel but I've also been upfront with anyone who asks me. I dont put up a front lying to people about my religion or what I believe in or if i follow it as strictly as I should because I dont. I try to but of course no one is perfect. I pray when I feel that I need to. When I'm in church is about the only time I study at all. Living life how you want to but with caution and some regulation is how everyone should do it, not by some strict code or law. Don't grow up too fast or let your kids grow up too fast either cause it can really damage. Getting into trouble is all a part of learning and growing up but doing it too quickly can make you very ignorant to alot of things about life and the world. Take your time finding that "love" of your life.. dont be too cautious but you definitely have to be picky. The moment I saw april I knew.. Once apon a life time i had a dream of being truly happy.. I didnt think it would ever be possible to reach or even get close to till now.. *kisses*

"how about a better version of the way that I am.."

I never have thought I was that great of a person no matter what anyone says.. In past times I've had bad times with self esteem, people bringing me down with w/e shit it was at the time.. jokes, laughs, depression, etc.. Everyone has a doped up image of what they wish they were like, and those who dont and think that they're perfect can go to hell.. lol..
I'm not this way anymore to think that I'm useless or not wanted or eveyrone hates me or doesnt like me for some odd reason.. In time I will go more in depth to my past..

"your hazel green tinted eyes watching..every move i make, and that feeling of doubt, it's erased.. I'll never be alone again with you by my side"

None of this journal entry is really connected, seperate thoughts at different times.. etc..
April really does have hazel green tinted eyes, which is why that song is very suiting too. (for that and other reasons) alot of the pain and hurt, and doubt.. it would all still be here inside me if it wasnt for her.. Slowly.. im getting over it all. Slowly I'm starting to get it all out.. finally..

I want a pet penguin.. its too bad its not exactly legal to do that..