Zee Blog

New Shawn - Now with 50% more Evil

Well, scratch previous statement: April and I are no more.

Last night was the end for our relationship. I definately made sure of that.

Last night April and I were supposed to go out and do something. She had to leave early from work yesterday to go to court for a ticket, and after she got out she called me at work and told me that she wasn't going to be able to do anything afterwards. So I said cool and hung out with my friend Shauntae.

At about 9:30 I tried giving a call to April. She didn't pick up. Tried calling over the next hour, but she never picked up. I finally got hold of her at around 11. I asked her what she was up to and she said, "Hanging out with my friends and sitting online."

I was shocked. I just told her that hurt, and that I thought we were going to do something. After that she turned a 180. We were right back to where we were Friday when she broke up with me.

She told me that her 'ex' wouldn't allow her to go out and do anything, and that her friends eventually came over to hang out. She then told me that she didn't think our relationship was going to work out because I was being too controlling. I just told her that I was hurt because I missed her so much and she hadn't even attempted to spend any time with me outside of work. Wednesday, the day we got back together, she spent with her friends going out and smoking. She didn't invite me to go, she merely said we would do something on Thursday.

After she went on about me being too controlling it went onto me not understanding her. More specifically, my inability too.

Then it finally went to "I'm a lesbian" again.

That was it. That was the final straw.

To take a step back, on Wednesday I asked her over and over again: please be sure if you want to get back together. No point in rushing into something if you are not sure, right? She said she was 100% sure. No doubt. She loved me and no one else. She said she knew she wouldn't find anyone better and she was stupid for thinking otherwise.

When I took her back on Wednesday I gave her the rest of my trust. That was all I had to give. If it was betrayed then I wouldn't be able to be there for her anymore.

Now back to last night. When she gave me the lesbian line last night I snapped. Absolutely, Jack Nicholson "Here's Johnny!", fucking nuts.

She started to give me the same bullshit she has been giving me for days. The same excuse with no reasons. Jumping from place to place for any reason she could find that was resiliant enough to at least stand up to minor scrutany(sp?).

I don't think I mentioned this, but we moved on to talking online last night at this point. It's the only way I can ever get her to talk.

I told her: "Fuck you April. Fucking leave me alone. Just go be fucking happy. I don't fucking want this anymore, just go the fuck away."

Something close to that at least. Not exactly word for word, but I do remember the sentences being composed 90% of the 'f' word.

Today when I got to work she started messaging me over MySpace. She asked me if I could be her friend and I just told her I couldn't. Which I can't.

If I can't trust you to be honest in things like that, how can I ever trust you to be truthful as a friend?

Besides, why the fuck would I want to be her friend? So that I can sit and listen about her new relationships? So that I can sit and watch as she ruins her life more and more. To have to sit and hear her cry all night over the shit she keeps subjecting herself to? I can't do it.

After I told her this she came out with a few more excuses for the break up. Most notably, the fact that she says she is bipolar and that only one other person knows about this.

Not that she was sorry about anything. Not a single true apology about it. She even went so far as to say that I was "lost" to her and that I brought this upon myself.

Today I was just nice and civil. I just told her to take care of herself, that I'll always love her, be happy with whatever you choose to do, and just please leave me alone.

After that last message she has done just that - left me alone.

She wrote two blogs this morning. One calling me a fucker practically. Saying I had no right to say what I said to her(10% of me agrees).

Then the second one she wrote after all was said and done. This one was the pity message. The one I would usually respond to, like I did Monday. Saying she just wishes she could find someone that understands her, who can meet her on her own brainwave(her words, not mine).

What she doesn't understand, and what I'm afraid she'll never understand, is that she doesn't try to open up to anyone. No one. Not even to friends.

I spent every night with her for over 2 months and the best I was ever able to get out of her was maybe a simple sentence that left too much to be desired in means of a real reason.

She needs help. Real help.

The poor girl has went through Hell, and then back, and at her current rate she is walking right back down the path to Hell again.

In one of her e-mails she begged not to hate her. I told her I'll never hate her, but I can't be with her or be her friend any longer.