Straight No Chaser

Great Big Gigantic Ass Failure

1. what do you think about flag burning?
a flag is a physical symbol of a completely intangible ideal. there's no forcing patriotism, obviously, so who cares if somebody wants to burn a piece of cloth? just as long as they do it where there's nothing flammable around.

2. is it okay to cuss?
damn straight.

3. what's your favorite candy?
reese's peanut butter cups. i'm dying to try the new ones with the caramel, but apparently they aren't carrying them yet, here in the heart of atlanta.

last night when marcus was here, somebody overcooked popcorn and the fire alarm went off. not realizing there was a real hazard, and because he and i were in the middle of a conversation that i did not feel comfortable interrupting, we stayed in. apparently they took roll this time, outside. i lost my visitation privileges for the rest of the semester. which is technically okay because yesterday was the first time i'd used them anyway, but still, it feels principally wrong that this is our second collective stint with an angry disciplinarian this school year. i take responsibility; as i remember, it was my dumb tears that made the decision for us anyway. but still.

4. do you keep up on current events?
sort of, but i tend to get frustrated with the reporting here, which is irritatingly rightist in the way it spins political news.

5. do you get enough vacation?
more than. i'm not even going home for spring break this year.

6. what is most important to you?
making it through today without losing my mind.

i used this disgusting sinus infection as a result to play hooky from work since thursday, part of the reason i'm so unproud of myself right now. part of it was that my stuffiness was always worst in the mornings, when i take most of my hours, but mostly i just really couldn't deal with that aggravating tuesday/thursday woman, who hopefully has found some way of coping with my not being there. i let her know, and everything. i wasn't completely irresponsible. but i do feel bad for dumping her on erica, who first labeled her "aggravating" and who is graduating this year and shouldn't have to spend her last weeks dealing with the most frustrating woman in the world. anyway, though. i'm going back today; wednesday seemed safest because it's neither a tuesday nor a thursday. i'm still sick, but i didn't want to be a jerk for an entire week.

7. do you collect anything?
not anymore. it was trolls once, and then designer barbies, and hardback copies of all my favorite books. my mom still thinks i "collect" journals, which is untrue because they're all completely functional.

8. is there too much media violence?
there's too much world violence. the media has to follow suit.

9. is it right to spank a kid?
only when the parent is in complete control of her emotions, and never with an apparatus.

tonight i think we're all going to watch y tu mama tambien, at my suggestion. i kept bringing it up because of how our guys remind me of the charolastras, or whatever they were called, just with the obsessive homoeroticism toned down a bit. intensely loyal, intensely connected and intensely jealous of one another's time. i hope i didn't voice that comparison out loud, because if i did, they're going to be really pissed when they see the movie.

10. what's your favorite car?
as i've said before, i don't care about cars at all and it mystifies me that people spend so much money on them.

11. boy bands?
what's the question? i say whatever floats your boat. most boy bands consistently suck in my opinion, but i can understand where someone would find them less laughable than i do.

12. planning to go anywhere for spring break?
don't get me started.

or, actually, do. one of the things we discussed yesterday, among about a thousand others--or really just one, which sucked--was how misled i felt regarding spring break, the way he rearranged his plans in the clutch, leaving me with no time to change my mind about going home. but that, again, is my fault, because i shouldn't have based my decision to stay on him in the first place; should probably have gotten a cute bathing suit and hit some beach somewhere myself. except that that's not how i have fun, and it just feels unfair that i don't get to spend my spring break doing exactly what i want to do, like he does.

13. if someone handed you five hundred bucks what would you do with it?
put four hundred in savings, use sixty-something to get my brake pads fixed and spend the rest eating thai with friends. the first part, the saving, is essential, because when left to my own devices i can cut through several hundred bucks in a week. and that's no kind of habit to maintain.

14. do you have a credit card?
yes.

15. should teens be able to have credit cards?
i did. teens are individuals. depends on their respective levels of judgment and accountability.

yesterday in strange's class, we workshopped my poem, which went well among my sensationalist classmates. the last two girls had written really crappy love poems with no effective imagery to speak of, and mine was crappy too, but i guess there was some shock value attached. here it is:

"inevitably, we had to break up. three days later
i saw your mother at the drugstore with the twins
trailing behind her, one in lavender, one in pink.
they'd come to buy a heating pad

'for his hamstring,' she said,
referring to the injury that had kept you in pain
for weeks; that had spasmed visibly
beneath my frightened and palpating fingers
while you cursed the vagaries of anatomy,
the game of football and your unskilled masseuse.

the twins upset a candy display and shrieked
in unison, twice as loud as any noise
i'd ever produced, the reason no one had heard me that day--
your mother's van was pulling in as you were pulling out
and they, downstairs, were wanting oatmeal
or screaming the words to cartoons
or something, till she entered with grocery bags,
one of which contained painkillers

'for your hamstring,' she said,
spilling three into your palm, as i sat straight-backed
and just-dressed and pondering
how much more quickly your kicking leg would heal
if anyone ever did to one of your beautiful sisters
what you'd just done to me."

i've never been raped in the technical sense, which i explained before i read it aloud, but i guess it was still obvious that the speaker was me, because approximately ninety percent of the class approached me, afterward, to offer their awkward condolences. i was too tired and too stuffy to explain again, so i just kept smiling. i told them. i told them.
16. how many email accounts do you have?
three.

17. who do you live with?
a roommate who never goes to class and eats peanut butter from a jar, with a spoon. who is, essentially, a hibernating bear in pumps and makeup.

18. creation or evolution?
obviously both.

krystle let me spend the night at her house, after the discussion. she had promised cookies, which we never had, but i did get a free cup o' noodles, and she told me that she kissed chris. which is a big deal because it represents his supreme betrayal of one of his best friends, and her unexpected capacity for deception. od's heart is going to self-shred when he finds out he quit smoking weed for no reason.

19. can you name the leader of cuba?
yes.

20. what are you doing after graduation?
more school.

21. how many colleges did you apply to?
five.

two nights ago we played a long game of truth-or-truth, in which i ended up asking all the questions, and passing them around the room for each member of the group to answer. one of the questions i asked was, name three out-of-the-ordinary things that you do when you're certain no one is watching--choosing that phraseology, of course, so that none of the responses would be obvious or about masturbation. i told them how when i'm by myself, i always pace in circles inside elevators (which, as my brother points out, only remains a secret in buildings without security cameras), and a couple of other weird things like that. marcha's answer was that he studies, which was hilarious because he never does that where any of us can see him.

22. what's your favorite hard candy?
raspberry-lemonade jolly ranchers, though i haven't seen one since fifth grade.

23. ever had your heart broken?
repeatedly. same person.

24. did you keep your new year's resolution?
i seem to remember not making one, but if i did, and if it was what i think it was, then no, i failed miserably.

sean's answer was, "i talk to my mom, i cut the calluses off of my feet, and i talk to my dog." there was a sharp emotional dip there, as his mom died when he was sixteen, and then a minor gross-out, over the calluses, and then a little bit of stifled amusement, because of course we assumed he meant he talks to his dog (who is in california with his dad) the same way he talks to his mom, parallel structure and all that. he saw our confusion and he clarified that he talks to the dog when he's at home, which made me feel better. i was picturing sean sitting on the edge of his bed, head in his hands, telepathically summoning a terrier from three thousand miles away: "jasper, i need you. i had a really hard day today." i was really proud of myself for not snickering at the image, not that i could have anyway, because i was all choked up about his mom.

25. is your best friend the same or opposite gender of you?
opposite, the fucker.

26. do you have any feelings on abortion?
i'm pro-choice but i hate that people use it as a means of birth control rather than a last recourse, and i honestly don't think i would ever have one.

27. what would be your dream vacation?
mars without a spacesuit.

i hope i never go to jail.

28. your feelings on the show "survivor"?
none whatsoever. i've only seen one episode and i was unimpressed. i liked when it was up against "friends"; that was exciting.

29. thirsty?
very, actually. hungry, too.

30. what makes you like a commercial the most?
that sometimes i'm so hysterical that no one can even concentrate on what the hell i'm talking about.

i've now started and scrapped three (maybe four) drafts of the island entry. i really hate myself for what i'm about to do, and yet, i hate that i'm taking so long to do it, because it needs doing. i think that's how i'm going to occupy myself between class and y tu mama, because i can't imagine trying to get anything else done today.

31. what do you typically eat for breakfast?
nothing.

32. how involved were you in buying the computer you're using right now?
one hundred percent. it's a replacement for the vaio i had before, which spontaneously broke, freshman year. my dad didn't believe me, either that or he thought i'd instigated one electronic mishap too many. i took matters into my own hands.

33. how many computers are in your house?
three.

i honestly don't even know what i'm going to do with myself, throughout a week of spring break. marcus will be gone. krystle will be gone. treesje will be on the other end of the nation and her boyfriend will be here, hitting on me. i'll have the car. i'll go see od perform his standup. i'll find out whether strange is performing anywhere. i'll go to the movies, spend my airfare money on panera and snickerdoodles with cream cheese frosting, continuously dodge sean. i'll leave my tv on all the time and walk around in pajama pants all the time. i'll find time to go buy lady and the tramp before it returns to the disney vault till the next millennium. and i'll talk to aaron. so then, i know. i know what i'll be doing. i'm just not crazy about it. except the talking to aaron.

34. do you read self-help books?
i tend to think i'm smarter than their authors and that they're pretty lame. which is because i'm arrogant and naive.

35. do you think teens should be restricted from buying certain things?
yes. so should adults.

36. do you use instant messaging more than on the phone?
yes, because i type faster than i talk. there are certain people (marcus, my brother) whom i really can't stand talking to online, and so for them i have to use the phone, but otherwise, the physicalities of it are an unnecessary inconvenience, i think.

also during truth-or-truth, when we were talking about regrets or something, i think, chris made the remark that he wishes he'd been to a more diverse high school, i.e. more white people, so he wouldn't be so shocked and so horrified every time he encounters racism. krystle and i, who had no such problem, looked at each other and laughed, and then explained to him that you never get used to it, you just start to realize that there's nothing you can do about it. that you can turn yourself inside out trying to broaden someone else's awareness, and it'll never work. on an unrelated note, i have no idea how chris and krystle are ever going to work out, since all the traits he shares with her ex-boyfriend and with od are the ones she hates the most about each of them.

37. you're going to a halloween party, what kind of costume are you in?
i'm probably not, unless it's required for entry or something, in which case i'm probably not there. i hate being places where i can't wear jeans and a hoodie.

38. who would you have voted for in the presidential election?
i voted for kerry, and i would again. anyone but bush.

39. what do you think about amusement parks?
that they're a lot more fun when you don't have to keep up with nine six-year-olds.

it's four hours later. it's been a long day.

40. do you like roller coasters?
no.

41. if you saw the grinch, what do you think?
out of loyalty to jim carrey, i have to say it was fabulous. but i actually only saw about twenty minutes of it, and it was just okay.

42. do you play video games?
i used to, a lot. now the only opportunity i have is when i'm at sean and od's house, and the only game they ever want to play is stupid zelda 64. so no.

when i was trying to describe the intent of yesterday's conversation to aaron, i summarized my basic point as "you treat me terribly; fix it or end it." i had planned this conversation literally for days, fix it or end it, and then in the end, when it was all said and done, all two point five fruitless hours of it, we had done neither. which leads me to believe that i am either really stupid or really weak. or both, probably. just, fucking god damn it.

43. have you ever beat a game?
naturally. i'd be a pretty huge failure if by age twenty-one i hadn't.

44. what usually keeps you up later than you should be?
anything and everything. i'm never in bed before three these days, and when i am it's because i fell asleep after class.

45. do you enjoy cooking?
sometimes.