Straight No Chaser

Bored

i checked, first, to be sure i wasn't reusing an entry title, and i was very proud to discover that only eighteen of my three hundred-something entries even contain the word bored.

i am not bored very often. i am today, because it's raining and my postwork meeting was canceled, and i'm not walking all the way home only to have to return to this building in an hour for class--because i am, therefore, trapped at this computer for said hour, with only my ipod for company. i don't have a pen, either, something i realized right before work. a million blank notebooks crammed into my backpack, and no utensil with which to glorify them.

i might not be as grammatically conscious as i think i am, because i first wrote the end of that sentence as "no utensil to glorify them with," then recognized and fixed the preposition problem. i would imagine that people like jessiebelle automatically write those things the correct way. i apparently don't. i still need a few turns in the tumbler.

i'm a perfectionist about certain things, not others. i'm very particular about the texture of my ink and the uniformity of my handwriting; i couldn't care less about turning in a shit paper that i know will get an a. i hate for there to be open food in the room unless it's being eaten; i don't mind climbing into an unmade bed at the end of the day. (i don't do it often, though, because my mom says it's the mark of a truly shameful existence, to end a day without ever having made the bed.)

i'm hoping not to be so obsessive-compulsive by the time i have kids. if they were to be born now, i'd see them as collectibles to be spruced and maintained for public viewing, and that's bad. i'm not apologetic for it, because i could have kids and i don't, for that very reason. but i still know it's bad. i freak out at certain thoughts that challenge my need to maintain guidelines--for instance, to have three kids, and give the same first initial to two of them but not the third? would kill me. completely. to have three kids, and have them at different intervals? would also kill me. everyone would need to be thirty to thirty-six months apart, which i know is just because that's how far apart chad and i are, which shouldn't actually have anything to do with my future plans, but does.

so, now that we're all bored, let's add a fifth nail to the coffin.

1. what different things did you want to be when you grew up?
in order: a ballerina, a writer, a child psychologist, an obstetrician, a journalist, an obstetrician, a writer, an attorney, a professor.

2. what is your most memorable childhood experience and how has it impacted your life?
stock answer: high school sucked. high school was terrible. and i don't just mean in the generic angsty way, even though it was that, too; i was too young and not ready to stand on my own two feet as one of so few minorities in a rigorous program. nobody understood it then, and that remained true until i connected with krystle, who had the same experience, so maybe you'll just have to trust me. and anyway, second part, it impacted my life in that i am more thankful, every day, for my experience at a black school, and for the fact that i didn't succumb to the pressure of feeling responsible for representing an entire demographic back then--but, don't get me started, i'll go all day.

3. if you could have a heart to heart with your parents about one thing you never discussed, what would it be?
we never talked much about my grandfather, after he died. about either one, in fact. one was an alcoholic and one had been a smoker. they went to cirrhosis and emphysema, respectively. that much i know, but i also remember the smoker as being extremely cool, really avant-garde and jazz-savvy, protective of his polaroid camera (which i broke and was spanked for, hence the fascination), and i don't remember much else. i think he'd have been one of my strongest influences, had he lived longer. oh, and i'd also want to find out what my parents think about premarital sex, because i have no idea, as we've never really talked about it. not that it matters much at this point, but it would be nice to know whether i'd have made them proud or not.

4. if you were to determine what amount of contact you could have with your parents and how much you would see them, what would it be?
i already do, sort of. i have to spend summers at home till i have a steady income, but beyond that, i only go home when i want to, which is pretty much every available break. once ever six weeks or so. as a full adult, i'd like to see them pretty often, too--not in a baroneish way or anything, but i'd want them to be part of my kids' lives, and they couldn't really do that from the opposite coast, or on a biannual schedule.

5. what would you do if you were to find out you were adopted?
i'd have lots of questions, and i'd want to meet the others if possible, but i doubt i'd feel gypped or anything. my parents are extremely dedicated. and i look just like them, which makes this a ridiculous scenario.

6. if you are, or were, in a relationship, what would you do if you discovered you and your partner had conceived a child?
keep it. i am pro-choice but he's rigidly pro-life, and i'd never get an abortion anyway, and i seriously doubt that at twenty-one i could have a baby and not feel compelled to do whatever i could to keep it. so i'd have the baby and be a bad parent for a few months--my parents would never let me quit school, so my mom and grandmother would probably work something out where they'd raise the baby till after i graduated. it would be extremely unfair, but probably the only way. and, i mean, factor in marcus somehow. but it would be bad. we're not ready, neither one of us.

7. if you could prevent your future child from inheriting one habit from yourself, what would you choose?
um, all of them? or, i guess, all the nervous activity, the rapid speech, the anxiety and the tendency to overanalyze. any or all.

8. what is the difference between love and romance?
one endures.

9. what, do you think, is the most important thing about a mate in a romantic relationship?
that he demonstrate a willingness to adjust to the relationship's ever-changing needs, and that he know how to place commas properly.

10. do you feel that there are certain sacrifices that you must make when you are in a romantic relationship with another person?
well, this sort of illustrates the difference between love and romance, because when you're in a romantic relationship, nothing feels like a sacrifice. in a loving relationship, though, it might, and yes, you should.

11. do you feel that partners in a relationship have certain obligations they should live up to?
this question hits a bit too close to home, today. how about, no?

12. what implicit agreements do you have with your partner that are so important that, if violated, would end the relationship?
i'd like to say fidelity, but i actually have no idea. it's probably naive to say i'd end things for any foreseeable reason, because i've already dealt with and moved past issues that i might have once called dealbreakers. drug abuse, i guess. yeah. drug abuse, even though at first i'd probably try to talk him out of it.

13. what can someone do to you that would turn you on both physically or mentally?
this question is worded so poorly that i am literally laughing at it, and skipping it.

14. what have you find out about what pleases you sexually and what was it that you have learned?
see above.

15. for seven million dollars, would you allow your lover to be kidnapped and held prisoner with no basic amenities, with no sexual or physical harm coming to them?
if he were okay with it, then i don't see why not. obviously we'd split the money at the end.

16. what do you think you would be like if you were a member of the opposite sex?
slender, cute like my brother but maybe a little too sensitive to really optimize it. i'd get lots of gay jokes. i'd like to think i'd be one of the nicer guys in terms of how i treated women, but this is all speculation, and i probably wouldn't.

17. if, because of intolerance you were going to miss a chance of promotion at your work, would you lie about your religious beliefs?
i can't imagine where i'd work that that sort of thing would be okay, but no, i wouldn't. i mean, i guess i wouldn't really have a problem with letting people think i was slightly more religious than i actually am, but if they were asking me to take the job in the name of satan or something, then no, i'd have to quit instead.

18. what place do you believe religion has in this world?
a big one.

19. do you believe you are a spiritual person?
yes.

20. do you believe in the traditional views of heaven, purgatory, and hell?
no. i believe in heaven and hell as symbols. purgatory i don't believe in at all, and i certainly don't believe in the traditional views of any of the above.

21. have you had any sort of religious or supernatural experience?
not one that stands out, in particular. besides, you know, deja vu. i've had tiny premonitions from time to time, dreams that came true, but i never let myself think they were anything but weird coincidences. i have spiritual experiences all the time, which is something completely different.

22. if evidence found somehow that god did not exist, would you want to know this information?
sure, but i wouldn't want a lot of other people to. i think it could wreck a great many lives.

23. can you think of one single decision you made that changed the course of your life.
to compensate for your poor punctuation, i'll ask you, in response, whether it hasn't already been made obvious that choosing this college has changed the course of my life?

24. in what way are you least understood?
oh godddddd nobody understands me at alllllll. my feelings are one hundred percent unique and unprecedented, and if anyone so much as attempts to understand them they invariably faillllllll. i can't even begin to answer this question for all my burgeoning angstttttttttttt.

25. what is the one non-monetary thing that you most hope to obtain in life?
happiness.

26. how well do you think others know you?
remarkably well in some cases, laughably unwell in others. but that's okay. i'm really the one person who needs to know myself completely, and i almost, almost do.

27. do you think there are certain ways you could make your life easier?
i could sleep more, eat more, waste less time worrying about my friends' petty problems, show up for logic class every time it meets, start my essays weeks in advance rather than on the day of, completely purge myself of every person and thing that drains my emotional resources and quit spending money on things i don't need, or will eat. but then everything would suck. so, no.

28. have you ever dreamed about an event and found that it did happen later?
yes.

29. do you have any re-occurring images in any of your dreams?
babies. chase scenes. jewel-smuggling. april o'neal.

30. what are you most likely to fantasize about when you masturbate?
ostriches. sike! i don't masturbate.

31. how many people do you feel are true friends; that will be there for you regardless throughout your life?
two.

32. do you find it easy to admit when you are wrong?
i guess. i'm working on it.

33. when delivering criticism, are you more tactful or direct?
infinitely more tactful. and i'm about to be late to class.

34. does a good argument deal more with emotion or reason?
depends on the argument. some people deal entirely in emotion, some entirely in reason, and no amount of the opposite will sway them. marcus is sort of like that. with reason. it's a little frustrating, sometimes. just a little.

35. do you feel you are still in touch with today's youth, or do you feel you've aged?
eh.