Straight No Chaser

Damson Plum

are you more...

1. prone to using a letter opener to open a letter or prone to using your finger to open a letter?
i would never even think to own something as functionally fixed as a letter opener. just like i'd rather wipe my nose on a brick than expend energy shopping for a decorative box of kleenex, i can think of far better things to do with what few dollars i have than to spend them on something i can only use for one thing. and in the email age, too. tuh.

2. a thief or a liar?
a liar. like the damson plum, in addition to being soft and round and exceptionally sensuous in appearance and in name, i exude deep indigo, when i am, in fact, sickeningly yellow on the inside. false advertisement equals overarching lie. plus i don't take things that don't belong to me, including the three twenty-dollar bills sitting on the corner of my roommate's dresser, which i'd swear she's leaving there to tempt me, because she wants to catch me in the act of stealing from her so i can fall prey to one of her diatribes. not gonna happen. i'd starve to death before i took her sixty dollars and had to listen to her self-righteous mouth for more than thirty seconds.

3. sociopathic (lacking conscience) or emotionally sensitive (too much conscience)?
i want to say neither, but that's against the rules. again, like the damson plum, i'm sensitive and purple on the top layer (which is as far as you're likely to get, in an average conversation with me), but judgmental and, frankly, pretty nasty in that pinkish yellow part. so we'll say i'm a sociopath. be nice to have something in common with angelina jolie, anyway. too bad it can't be brad pitt's baby.

4. a conformist or a gadfly?
the most hilarious insect i've ever seen would be the caddis fly, which protects his sensitive outer body by secreting a sticky slime that adheres to pieces of sediment. so he ends up looking kind of like a bug-shaped quilt, little pieces of rock and sediment and smaller bugs stuck to his body. last month, when my brother was knocked out from benedryl, i taped different-colored buttons all over his face and wrote chaddis fly on his arm, in sharpie.

5. "low-fat eating is the way to lose weight" or "low-carb eating is the way to lose weight"?
i really have no idea. my godparents did it with a liquid diet. how about "not as much eating in general is the way to lose weight"?

6. an orange or a potato?
a damson plum.

7. attracted to younger men/women than yourself or attracted to older men/women than yourself?
marcus is a few months younger. johnny depp is two decades older. i'm not yet convinced that it really matters to me, because i don't care much for the way men look anyway, except in exceptional cases, but i'd have to go with older. marcus could stand some maturing.

8. a pervert or a prude?
considering how extensively i went on about the mysterious glitter thing, i can't very well call myself a prude.

9. a "star trek" fan or a star wars fan?
i've never seen a full episode of the former, but i'm a giant star wars nerd. not the camping-out-for-months-before-the-release type. because, yick. but i do own the dvds and the original scores, and one summer i read all the books about jacen and jaina. don't tell anyone.

10. good at listening to someone or bad at listening to someone?
twelve o'clock, i'm outta here.

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