I Was Free Once

Chapter 18

The next few weeks were filled with nothing but lazing about with Julia, trying to rebuild our relationship. After a while, she had returned to the Julia I once knew and loved: happy, confident, and gorgeous inside and out. I didn’t let a day go by without doing something romantic with her.

But, as much as she told me she loved me, I never let the words reach my heart. I felt I could never forgive myself for killing Sal. So, instead, I let the words pass over me, only pretending I had felt them in my heart.

This is not to say I didn’t mean what I told her. I meant it with all my heart. I wanted her to be as happy as she could possibly be.

I refused to show the other side of myself when Julia was present. She didn’t need to see that part of me ever again. But, when she would go out to take walk by herself, I would unleash my inner demon to remind myself of what I had become.

Finally after a few months of giving Julia a blissful love, I decided it was time to tell her the truth of Sal’s death and of my plan to fulfill the prophecy. But not without one more day filled with nothing but joy for her.

Early one spring morning, before the sun had even risen, I woke up Julia and told her to get dressed so that I could take her somewhere special.

“It’ll be a day you’ll never forget,” I said, gently kissing her forehead.

“Okay,” she yawned, “give me a couple minutes.” I waited for her in the kitchen, while she dressed. She came into the kitchen with a confused expression on her face. “Darien, it’s not even light out. Where on earth on you taking me?”

“You’ll see,” I replied, picking her up and carrying her out the front door. “It’s a surprise.” She smiled and laid her head on my shoulder.

I carried her as I walked towards a patch of woods not far from the house. After about a half an hour, and right before sunrise, I stopped at the edge of a cliff. Just as I put her down, the sun began to rise. It quickly changed from a blood red to a radiant orange. She smiled, as the early morning sunshine poured over her. I put my one arm around her as she turned towards me.

“It’s beautiful,” she stated. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a beautiful sunrise.”

“I thought you’d like it.” I paused and looked into her eyes. “I love you, Julia.”

“I love you too, Darien.” I smiled and kissed her.

That was the most fleeting day of my life. It passed so fast, I was never sure if it was real or not. I spent the day doing little, but affectionate, things for her. We walked through the woods, had a picnic lunch, and spent hours lying in a field of black-eyed susans just talking and looking at the cloudless sky, wondering if there would ever be a better day than that.

Finally, late in the afternoon, while we were walking, I stopped her by a small waterfall in the woods. We sat down by the waterside and she became intrigued by the fairies flying around. I gave her one more kiss before I started to talk.

The conversation that followed almost never happened, because it was so hard for me to break such sad news to such a happy person. I almost regret it, but it had to be done. I could feel the chaos already starting to emerge throughout the world.

She looked at me with those beautiful, blue eyes of hers. “This day was absolutely perfect,” she said. “I couldn’t have asked for anything better.” I paused for a long time before I said anything. “What’s wrong?” she asked, reading my worried expression.

“Julia,” I started, “there’s something I need to ask you.” Her smile slowly faded as I went on. “Can you promise me something?”

“Anything, honey. You already know that.”

“Okay, I need to tell you the truth about what happened the day Sal died before I say anything else. So that you can understand what I’m going to ask you to do.”

“Go on. I’m listening.”

“Well, first of all, it turns out that Sal was my uncle and, if it wasn’t for him, I would have still been locked in a cage without wings and your soul would have still been encased in a dog or with my father. Unfortunately, I didn’t find out my relation to him until the day he was killed.”

“I hope your father gets what he deserves in Hell. It’s hard to believe there are those who kill the innocent without a care, as if it was an everyday occurrence.” Julia’s faced tightened in anger. I could feel my throat constrict as I thought about how she would react to the truth.

“Well, it wasn’t my father that killed Sal.” She still looked upset, but less angry.

“That doesn’t change what he did in the past.”

“I know. I’m not trying to defend him. I hated him since I was old enough to understand that a normal family consisted of a mother and a father. I’m just trying to tell you the truth.” A slightly confused look passed over her.

“Well, if he didn’t kill him, then who did?”

I took a deep breath and continued. “You see, Julia—well, it—” I had a hard time getting it out. “I killed him…” I looked down, but I saw her put her hands to her mouth. She stood up and backed away from me.

“What?!” she shouted, in tears. “No, Darien. No! Please tell me this is some sort of sick joke.” She began to hyperventilate. I stood up and walked to her to hold her. She turned from me. “I can’t believe this…”

“Please, Julia. Listen to me…” I started.

“I don’t think I can.” She looked at me, with a look of extreme caution in her eyes. “I don’t know if I can handle this.” A streak of anger ran through me.

“If you can’t handle it, how do you think I feel?” I shot at her. She had an angry expression again.

“Well, I don’t know, Darien. You might like it, seeing as you’re part demon.”

“Don’t even go there, Julia. You know damn well how much I hate that side of me.” She crossed her arms and gave me a look of what I thought was disbelief.

I changed to my demon form. She gave a gasp and jumped.

“Do you really think I prefer to be—to be this?” I yelled. “I fucking hate this. You know it, and don’t you ever think otherwise.” I changed back to my human form, disgusted and full of anguish.

There was a silence between us for a few moments, then Julia replied, “I’m sorry... I didn’t mean that...” She walked over to me and took my hand. “I knew when I first saw you that day that you weren’t yourself.”

“I couldn’t control myself. It wasn’t until you kissed me that I remembered who I was and that I had a choice over my actions. Even right now, I can feel the demon inside me lurking around, fucking with my emotions and thoughts. It’s tearing me apart from the inside.”

“I wish I could help take the pain away. I wish there was something I could do.”

“There is. But, I’ll get there soon enough. I need to finish telling you everything.” Her eyes opened wide.

“There’s more to tell?” she asked, incredulously. I nodded and continued.

“I’m sure you’ve been wondering how it is that my mother got so mixed up with my father in the first place. Even if he was disguised as a human, any angel can smell demon blood when it’s lurking around. The difference was that there was a prophecy involved this time. It was foretold long ago that the two races, angels and demons, would seek to kill each other, until the child of both bloods was born. In other words, me. That individual alone would decide which race was to survive until the end of time.

“Well, most angels and demons have never heard of such a thing. It seems as if it was forgotten. My father apparently found out about it years ago, probably when he was only a teenager himself. Since then, though, he had been looking for an angel to take advantage of.

“I’m sure you can imagine how things transpired between my mother and him. She fell in love with him, not realizing what he was, and eventually it led to my birth. After I was born though, he became abusive towards her.”

“I thought you didn’t remember him as a young child,” Julia interrupted.

“That’s what I tell people. That’s what I told my mother all those years. She was happy when I told her I didn’t remember, and I wanted her to be happy. She deserved it after how he treated her.

“I remember sitting in the corner of my mother’s bedroom watching my father abuse my mother. He’d slap her. He’d kick her. He did everything but show his demon side. I tried to stop him once when I was five and was nearly suffocated by him. It was then that my mother showed her race to a then seemingly human. It kept him away for ten years.”

I looked at Julia. She was almost in tears again. She just shook her head and whispered, “I never knew…” I took her in my arms.

“That’s okay, I’d hoped you’d never need to know. I never understood it. I guess he thought by showing me that he was stronger than my mother that I would follow him. It only made me hate him more.”

“Oh, Darien,” she sobbed. “I’m so sorry...”

“It’s not your fault,” I replied.

“I know, but—”

“But nothing, Julia,” I interrupted. “You don’t need to apologize for sins which aren’t your own.” She looked at me, eyes full of tears. “Please, don’t cry, Jules. If you start crying, I don’t know if I’ll be able to continue.”

A shocked look stole across her face. “I thought you were done.”

“Almost finished,” I replied. “This is the last little bit.” I took a deep breath and plunged into the final part of my tale.

“Do you remember what I said it was that brought my mother and father together?” I asked her.

“Yes. It was a prophecy, right?”

“Right. And, do you recall the last part of it, about the ‘one of both bloods’?”

“Yes, Darien. I remember the entire thing. You just told me a few minutes ago. You said ‘the one’ would choose a race to live until the end of time. Why are you asking me this anyway?” She lowered her eyebrows, trying to find meaning in my repetition.

“Because I need you to understand the reasoning behind what I’m asking of you.”

“But, what are you asking of me?” she asked. I paused for a moment before I uttered the words that would forever change my life.

“Julia, I need you to take my soul from me.”

She stared at me for a while and then simply said, “What are you talking about?”

“I need you to take my soul from me, so I can do what needs to be done.”

“But, what needs to be done?”

I took her by her shoulders and looked her in the eyes. “I need to be able to kill without remorse, sorrow, or anger.” She shook her head.

“You’ve never felt remorse about killing demons before. Why the sudden change in views?”

“Because I need to kill more than demons this time.” As I spoke, her eyes widened.

“Wait,” she said, finally starting to realize what I was talking about, “what race are you choosing to survive? Ours?” I shook my head.

“Surely not demons?” she asked. I shook my head again. She looked around, saying, “But there’s nothing left!” She walked over the waterside and nudged the nearest rock, revealing the fairies that had been hiding. “Just imps and fairies and other creatures of the forest, and please tell me you’re not choosing them.” She gave me a threatening look. I shook my head yet again. “But, then, what?” Her eyes narrowed in thought.

“There’s really only one choice, Julia. Did you ever realize that it’s black and white magic causing all the trouble in the world? Well, I’ve decided that the world would be better off without any magic at all.”

“What?! Darien, there must be another way!” she pleaded. “Just choose our race!”

“Julia, I can’t,” I told her. “I can’t choose our race without the guilt of Sal’s murder weighing down upon me.”

“But, that wasn’t completely your fault. You were tricked into going to the demon side.” Tears were starting to run down her cheeks. “The world will forgive you, Darien.”

“But, I can’t forgive myself. I’ll never be able to.” I looked away from her, ashamed of myself.

“I can help you learn to let it go. I’ll do everything I can to make it better.” She grabbed my one hand and my eyes met hers.

“Nothing will ever be better.” She put her hand on my cheek. Placing mine on hers, I said, “Just take it. This needs to be done.” I looked deep into her eyes, trying to make her understand. Tears streaming down her face, she nodded.

“Alright, Darien. I’ll do it because I love you. But you know that once I do, you won’t be able to feel anything, not even love, right?”

“I know, Julia. Promise me that as soon as you take it you’ll get the hell away from me, because I’ll kill anything magical I come across without regrets and I don’t want you killed.”

“I promise.” She closed her eyes for a moment before speaking again. “One more kiss before I go?” she asked me.

“One more,” I replied. We took hold of each other and drew close together.

“I love you, Darien,” she whispered.

Before I could respond her lips were pressed against mine. It was at once the most passionate and most horrible kiss I ever shared with her. As we kissed, I felt warmth draining from my lips into hers. My emotions began to leave me. My anger. My sadness. My hatred. It all drained until, for a fleeting second I felt nothing but pure joy and love for her. Then, with a sudden feeling of emptiness and longing, that was gone too.

I fell to my knees, pale and weak, gasping for air. I looked up for Julia, but in the seconds it took me fall she had already gone. It was the first time I felt indifferent to her leaving me. For a while, I thought I was sad about the present situation. I thought I was upset and angry. But what I felt and feel now is nothing but the pains of yesterday.

I looked towards to starry sky and, without a second thought, set out to kill.