I Was Free Once

Chapter 17

Hours passed before I stopped flying from the house. I couldn’t believe the only person left that I cared about had deceived me. I sat on the edge of a cliff watching the sun set and thinking.

Why? I asked myself. Why would she ever make such a deal? She knew better than that. Can I ever trust her judgment again?

The death of Sal had been hard enough without this knowledge too. It seemed like everything was going downhill. My life has been filled with nothing but pain and deceit. I want it to end. I put my head in my hands.

Days went by before I returned to Sal’s house. It was during those days that I started my habit of smoking. Then, it was only cigarettes.

As I entered the house, I could hear noise coming from the kitchen. I walked down the hallway and stood in the entrance of the kitchen. Julia was busy in the pantry. I stood quietly, leaning against the frame, until she turned around. Upon seeing me, she dropped what she was holding and ran over to me.

“Oh, Darien,” she squealed, hugging me, “You’re back! I was so worried about you.” Refusing to hug her, I walked over towards the pantry and picked up what she dropped.

“You dropped this,” I stated coldly, placing it on the table.

“I see you haven’t forgiven me,” she replied, continuing what she was doing before I walked in.

“Oh no, I’ve forgiven you. I just haven’t forgotten.” I sat down at the table. “Wounds heal, but scars never fade…”

“Look,” she said, turning towards me, “I’m sorry, Darien. I didn’t know what I was doing and I didn’t think it was going to end up this way. But, if we’re ever going to have a normal relationship again—”

“It will never be normal again,” I interrupted, pounding my fist on the table. “Too much has happened.”

“Please, Darien, I’m sorry,” she said sincerely. She walked over to the table and sat down opposite of me. “Can’t we just leave the past in the past?” She took hold of my hand. I didn’t reply, but stared at the ground instead.

After a few moments’ silence, Julia stood up and exited the kitchen. I continued staring at the floor for a while after, thinking about everything that had happened in the past few days. I pulled out my pack of cigarettes and lighter and laid them on the table. I thought I’d kick the habit then, but minutes later the room smelled strongly of smoke.

I must have gone through half of the cigarettes I had that evening. One right after another. With each inhale, I was relieved of my pain, but with each exhale I felt emptier than before. Once the kitchen was completely dark, I finally stopped.

Questions poured over me, different than before. Why am I not saving this love? The only thing that ever brought me hope or happiness and I’m depriving myself of it. Why?! But I don’t deserve anything anymore, especially happiness. Finally, I came to rest on a decision.

Maybe it’s too late to make myself happy, but I could still save her happiness. I could still give her my love.

I slowly walked down the hall and peeked into the room Julia had chosen to stay in. She was curled up faced away from the door with her head resting on her arm. I walked over to the cot and, just as I was about to curl up with her, she spoke to me.

“Are you done smoking yourself silly?” she asked, coldly. I started, not knowing she was awake.

“Have you been awake all this time?” I asked in response. She sat up, still faced away from the door.

“When did you become a smoker?” But before I could answer, she said, “So is that what you fill yourself with anymore? Nicotine, instead of love?” I sat down beside her and put my arm around her. I could see she was crying again.

“No,” I replied, answering her question. “Cigarettes could never replace your love and you know that.” I turned her head to face me. “I’m sorry, Julia. I was cold and unfair to you. I just couldn’t handle the truth and was a complete asshole about it. Please forgive me.”

She smiled and grasped the hand I had on her cheek. I then kissed her deeply and gave her my love once again.