Zee Blog

3:03 AM

Friday has turned into quite the event.

At about five my mother called me and asked me to come keep her and Vicky(my coworker) busy as they did some volunteer work for the church they go to. So, I grab my Mencius book(since I have a lot of reading to catch up on) and hitch a ride with her over there. 6 hours later I'm covered in paper scraps and my lungs are on fire. All I'm gonna say is, the 'J' man owes me big.

Came home and talked to Silver for a little bit about movies over scroll. I got another warning for saying "ROFLMAO" in scroll. Didn't even think about it until Silver says, "You mean laughing off your ARM, right?" Shit. That's like warning number 8. Damn the Man.

Feeling lonely tonight. Don't have too many friends I feel all together comfortable hanging out with anymore. Been trying to take positive steps in my life: staying away from pot, focusing on my writing, getting through school. Although none of my friends stand in the way of school(that is #1 priority not to fuck with me about) the others are a bit shakey.

Everyone I hang out with always screams out, "Why don't you smoke?" Those that aren't that blatant smoke in front of me. It's hard to say no, and so I have to keep my distance. It wouldn't be so bad if pot was like alcohol to me. I can function on pot. I'm not sure I'm really interested in drinking anymore, either. I've never liked it, but it has been a part of the scene. Who knows. My brother and his girlfriend were downstairs playing poker and drinking with a couple of their friends and they asked me to join them and drink a little and I just couldn't find the urge within me. I could, however, find myself sitting at my computer smoking.

I miss my friends of old. I miss them, but I also miss what they represented. A stability and acceptance I don't quite feel in my life right now.

I lament this so often in my blog posts, but I miss knowing they are coming over on Friday night. I miss them coming to play Dungeons and Dragons. Like clockwork. Better yet, they wanted to come. No one felt obligated. The last time I had that was...back when I was 17.

5 years have passed and ever since then I've always felt like a little piece of my heart is missing. Those two friends, both named Dan, have taken their own paths down roads I will not go.

Big Dan, or Dan Gottschalk, took the dark descending path following parties and acid into the abyss. The last time he ever talked to me was when I was 18. He had me come help his family move, the last words we spoke to one another were "good-bye" as he dropped me back off at home.

Little Dan, or Dan Gade, took a winding path through obstacles of life I could not follow without falling off the trail. He flirted with drugs; both using and selling. He became that "cool" kid we hated in High School. The last time I really talked with my Kindergarden friend was when I was 21, about six months ago. He called me one day after a long weekend of partying and told me about how he was going to "bust some niggers up". He had never said something like that before, at least not to me. He had changed, abused our friendship, and I could no longer accept his kind of anger be a part of my life anymore.

Somehow I've been able to remain this kid in my heart. Still desiring those long nights of gaming on uncomfortable wooden chairs. Laughing over a bottle of Vodka we stole from one of our parents. Big Dan being the largest out of all of us, yet heaving in the bathroom after one or two shots.

This reminds me of such a funny story I have to share...

On the night of Big and Little Dan's graduation(I was one year younger than them) we had a party because my parents were out of town. We had Big Dan's friend Anthony buy us some alcohol and we drank over at my place. Big Dan got so drunk that after a shot with Little Dan and I he went into the bathroom.

The son-of-a-bitch comes out of the bathroom and up to Little Dan and I. "I pissed on your wall" he said. I laughed thinking he was shitting me. He wasn't. He literally pissed on the wall next to the toilet as if he decided the double-image of the toilet was the best bet. He was a prick, but I loved those guys like brothers.

How time changes people. It is simply amazing. I would pay a King's Fortune for one of those nights back.