Zee Blog

A Crisis of Responsibility.

I've been meaning to sit and mull over this thought in my journal for a while, but I have yet to get the motivation to do.

Life has generally been on an upswing lately, but still I have struggled with the desire to actually continue the "good fight".

I feel like I need a long vacation.

Normally the most basic, and the strongest of my responsibilities, such as school have began to falter in my mind. Although I've been doing the work, I've cared less about getting to some of my classes. Especially my computer class. It's just...ugh...annoying.

It feels like I've figured out one aspect of my life, just to have the other half go out of control.

Last night I gave into my desires and I smoked. Something I've said I wasn't going to do. Granted, it was only one time, but as I sit now I think about my mother. How many times had she told me, "It was one time."

Some might find it odd for me to compare myself to my mother. Granted, I smoke, but I have never let that hurt others. Not in the slightest. Hell, I've been told I just plain seem more at peace when I have. Yet, that doesn't make it right. Rather, it should pose a blaring problem within my own life that should make me think why I need to smoke to feel at peace.

I let a lot of people down last night. I will never lie about the things I do, no matter how harsh they may be. I'll try and be as honest with everyone as I can. A good friend of mine said I did it because I wanted someone to tell me I shouldn't be doing it. A part of me can't disagree with that. In a circle of friends where all they say is, "Do it" I can't say that I don't want someone to say "Don't do it".

This morning I have had a number of people call me and give me the disappointed speech. Ugh. A part of me wants to sit and say "Give me a break". A larger part wants me to say "Thank you."