He Takes My Heart With Him

The Wait for the next Surgery

So, Jack's next surgery is only a little over a month away. I feel claustrophobic when I write that. June and July kind of sailed along. I didn't really think that much about it. But, now, it's almost the end of August and Jack's surgery is at the end of September. . .

I find myself crying at times. Especially when I lay him down in his crib for either a nap or bedtime. He looks so little. His light blue sleeper pajamas (in size 2T at 9 1/2 months old!) and his full, round cheeks. I love the way his lips "pout" out when he sleeps, soft and pink. I love it when he rolls over and sighs.

I can picture him, then. Lying in his crib in the hospital. They have metal rails. I can see him, attached to an IV, with monitors taped to his chest. How scared he will be. He's going through stranger anxiety right now. Will they let me stay with him until he falls asleep from the anesthesia? He'll be so scared if they take him away while he's awake.

That thought destroys me.

When he comes back, after the surgery, he'll be drugged. Swollen from the IV and fluids they give him during the operation. Pale. My little boy. My little baby.

Do you see what I do? Every day is a little closer to that reality. My mom, so solid and there-for-us, told me that she took the week of Jack's surgery off to take care of our other kids. I felt panic. When I told my husband, later that night, I sobbed.

"God, You have given us this little boy. You have saved him from so much, already, and blessed him in so many ways. I know You love him, Lord. I know You feel it when we cry for him. I know You ache with us. And I know, my dear, sweet Father, that You are telling us that You are with him. That You are protecting that boy with a love so fierce that we will only know it when we come to You. You are a warrior standing next to him, keeping him from any danger. And, yet, you take off the armour, and kneel down to kiss his forehead. As gentle as the mist. He is safe. He is loved. God, please hold this prayer in my heart over the next month. Your strength and Your love surrounding this one, little boy. Our Jack. Amen.