The Life Of Me.

5th August 2005

Got back from Spain a couple of days ago, I do apologise that it took me so long to write in here again. Just out of the habit I suppose . Spain was good...sometimes it was heartwrenchingly awful...(I missed Martin more than I should have I think), and sometimes it was great. In Barcelona there was a garden called the Park Guille...I think...designed by Gaudi...and it was inspiring. A really beautiful, weird place. I loved it.

The hotel was nice, the entertainment there was a bit hurm at times, but I did the karaoke, faced some personal demons, watched Flamenco, and listened to some very incredible spanish guitarring. It is a wonderful country, but the poverty is sometimes astounding. I've learnt about it in school...but to see it, to see women shouting and crying on the train, begging for money, was awful. Even women walking around Burger King, begging. Wasn't very nice.

I really missed Martin. I wrote lots of journals and bits and pieces of prose and poetry about him...it really opened my eyes being away from him, I realised just how important he is to me, and that I have to do absolutely everything in my power to make him happy. He's far too amazing to let go.

Carl hasn't been leaving me alone either. Texting me telling me he still has feelings for me and stuff...but I've finally sorted it out...since Martin kinda got mad :-S and rightly so, I think...I just didn't have the courage to be nasty to Carl anymore than I already had been...I ruined his life, and yeah, not my problem really...but he's just lonely I think. Yet, I still told him not to contact me anymore, because it's getting in the way of my relationship, and that pisses me off. Nothing and nobody will get between Martin and I... I won't let it.

I went out for Charlotte's birthday last night, had so much fun. Danced the night away, listened to some great live music, had laughter fits, laughed at guys who thought they were better than Martin. Nobody surpasses him in personality, looks and...well, love, I suppose. God he loves me...it's amazing...I don't know why he does, but I'm grateful. I don't deserve somebody like him, but I will make the most of the time I have with him. And if he wants to marry me...I won't get in the way lol.

I'm bored...he's at work...and he's quitting Northern Rock...practically the family business...I'm afraid it's going to annoy Dad, and for some reason I feel like it's like quitting me...I know that's stupid...he physically won't be able to work there when he goes back to college...I suppose he should at least see out his temporary contract...but I was so looking forward to him leaving Subway. He was certain he was going...and now he's been offered the team leader job (still less money than NR), which probably means more hours *grr*, so I won't see him. I hate how he works weekends too, the only couple of days/nights that I will definitely have off work/school/home life, and he works a lot of them. He's not working tomorrow though...which is good. He wants to go see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory lol. Bless him. My hands are cold...kinda hurts to type...Hmmm............