Straight No Chaser

Zahara Marley Jolie

attention! i've just achieved an important milestone in registering for my very first fall 2005 course! shakespeare with dr. sizemore. i've been warned against this; she's one of two tenured professors who offer the (mandatory) class, and her sections tend to fill up less quickly because it's rumored that she's crazy. the other one, dr. strange, is not so much crazy as she is ridiculously rigid, so basically registering for shakespeare is making the choice between ruining your grade point average and ruining your life. is it conceited that i ignore people when they warn me against professors like that? i'm smarter than they are, i think. i do well with most--even all--professors, provided their subjects are of reasonable interest to me, and sometimes even if they aren't. i write well. i don't make the kinds of careless errors that teachers pick on. so i'll be fine, and in fact i'd probably be better off with the one who's supposedly a harder grader, because evidently she's not crazy, but her section's closed. none of this matters, of course, because i'll probably just kill myself before the beginning of the semester anyway. ignore me. it's manufactured melodrama at its finest. i need to say things like that because they feel right, because i literally can't imagine going back to school in less than a month, and right now it feels like if i didn't do myself in beforehand, something--who's to say what--would get me once i got there, anyway.

i'm hanging by a thread this week, this very particular and very tenuous thread that i'm trying to interweave with other threads to make something stronger--twine--but somebody's standing above with sewing scissors, snipping at the ends. it's just me and a thread. this little green thread, deceptively pretty in hue but menacing, dark green. green is my favorite color. i'm worried there's going to come a point, maybe this semester, when i can't look at anything green without dying all over. kind of like what's happened with cerulean blue. kind of like how the same happens when i hear dirty south music. i hear the first discordant strains on the radio and something explodes and i just sit there, paralyzed, heaving, till something snaps me out of it. one day there will be a great many things like that. i'm going to have to move into a box, unfurnished, and probably all i can afford anyway, and draw in the corners till it becomes a little sphere, and finally be the center of something, only it'll be something that sucks.

i'm doing that thing again where i blur the outside world, superimpose cartoony little effects so that it's hard to even believe it's real. but i'm not thirteen anymore, and now i notice what's missing. it concerns me. i was supposed to do something for this guy, someone down on the fourth floor whose name i could have sworn was geissel, first name geissel, and then just now i got an email from him with updates to the assignment, and it turns out his name is jeff. jeff. where the fuck did i get geissel? i didn't make it up. those syllables aren't part of my self-generated inventory. so then i'm supposed to head downstairs and talk it over with him, this guy i've had contact with seven or eight times this week alone, and i can't picture his face to save my life. and seeing him won't ring a bell. i just completely and involuntarily turned off my facial recognition capabilities, it seems. if i were forty years older, i'd be worried i was going senile. but this happens all the time, in patchy periods for the last fifteen years (or what i remember of it), when i'm stressed and overwhelmed and unhappy.

i'm sure this is all entirely uninteresting. i'm going to save face with a quick survey, excerpted from the journal of the spanish butterfly:

1. what does the name say on your birth certificate?
four two-syllable words (cringe)--one pretty, one iffy, one to honor a deceased relative and one i can't wait to drop.

2. what is the name all your friends call you by?
shannon.

3. what day of the year do you blow out the candles?
since college there haven't actually been any candles, but the last time there were was the tenth of february.

4. which country authorized your passport?
this one.

5. what are your zodiac and chinese signs?
i am an ox and a pretty diehard aquarian.

6. in terms of politics, do you sit on the right or the left?
i don't sit, i dance around to draw attention away from how dreadfully underinformed i am. actually, not so much anymore. i'm a moderate lefty.

7. look in the mirror. the color of your hair is what?
no mirror, but it's very dark brown shot through with streaks of slightly lighter brown.

8. look in the mirror one more time, what color are your eyes?
comma splice. and my eyes are so dark that one can barely distinguish the pupils.

9. hop on the weighing scales! how far did the number jump past zero?
a pretty intrusive question, and i don't have a scale, but the last weigh-in put me at slightly under an even hundred.

10. stand up straight! how high up is the top of your head from the ground?
sixty-five inches.

11. who are all those other people living in your house?
mother, father, chad and the birds.

12. do you get along with mom or dad better?
mom.

13. what do your parents' friends call them?
monice and bruce.

14. any siblings living outside the house?
one cousin whom my parents raised, eleven years older than me and quite the nomad; last i heard he was riding goats down mountains in colorado, but he might have taken off for australia already.

15. what's the name of the place you live in currently?
silver spring.

16. you love it there, don't you?
it has its good points. the school system is pretty excellent, so i'm told, and it's one of the most diverse communities in the immediate area, and there are lots of trees and frogs.

17. if you could live absolutely anywhere on the earth, what location would you choose?
a treehouse in loompaland.

18. out of all those blood-related, immediate or other, which single person would you list as your favorite?
probably my brother, but that's a recent development. for about the first fifteen years, that'd have been aunt susan. she's still a close second.

19. who is one you wish you didn't share blood with?
whoever gave me my nose.

20. overall, you like your mom's side of the family more, or dad's?
mom's is much bigger and more accessible, and dad's has a more intense concentration of recognizable deficiencies, but they're both pretty messed up. i have yet to meet a single affluent black family who doesn't have bizarre relatives on both sides. we are a diverse bunch. anyway, short answer, i like them both equally, though, granted, they all forget my name a lot.

21. first things first, private or public school?
the "first things first" is because i cheated and took out the sectional headings. and i shan't put them back, sorry. anyway, i attended private school for three years, very early--preschool and kindergarten--and then everything after that was magnet public schools. are we asking which i'm in support of? i think the public school system should be strong enough to sustain itself, and to be a formidable alternative to private. that's why we have people like meg.

22. what's its name? mascot? colors?
oh, you wanted my high school. public school, shortened name blair, for our town's first postmaster general. the mascot was a "blazer," which was basically a cuteified deveil, and the colors were red, white, black and gray.

23. what were the classes you couldn't wait to get to?
the english stuff, mostly, and newspaper. and guitar, because we had block scheduling and it was basically a ninety-minute nap.

24. how about the class you considered boring?
"boring" isn't the right word--there were several classes that made me pretty miserable, but i only really got "bored" in history.

25. the names of your favorite teachers?
lots of them over the years. most recently mrs. adamson (twelfth grade), and before that, mrs. williams (fourth). and tomayko was high up on that list, too.

26. the name of the teacher that puts you to sleep?
buchanan, but that wasn't her fault--she was the guitar teacher.

27. were you an english/art, or a math/science person?
math/science, supposedly, and i do have the aptitude, but my clear passion was always in the humanities. i'm still a math person, but i kind of feel like i already gave the sciences everything i'm willing to give.

28. what sports did you play?
ha. have a look:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

29. when the teacher checked the homework, did you usually get a zero or a hundred?
blergh, stupid question. my grades reflected my level of effort.

30. if you could change one thing about your school, what would it be?
i wouldn't have gone there.

31. what's your worst fear? have you ever experienced this fear?
easy one. failure. and, secondarily, great expanses/depths of water, giant sea creatures, the possible scenario of sinking so far that is no longer clear which way is up. the mariana trench. i have experienced failure, yes, and been to the beach every year of my life, but i've never drowned and the whales don't seem to want to eat me.

32. have you ever acted troubled, just to get attention?
no.

33. do you believe in god? jesus? satan? heaven? purgatory?
i believe in a higher power, and the rest seems subjective--tailor to suit your personal purposes.

34. do you have a secret that you'll take to the grave with you?
nothing as dramatic as all that, but there are plenty of things i doubt i'll ever tell anyone.

35. have you ever told somebody you loved them, when secretly you didn't at all?
i've only ever told three people i loved them, period. so hell no.

36. (friends, religion, politics, family, education and relationships) organize the previous six in order of your personal preference in life.
i don't think so. suffice it to say that i think spirituality takes precedence over "religion," and the rest are what they are.

37. if you could change one thing about your physical looks, what would it be?
slightly more manageable hair that i don't have to pomade to death in the summertime, and/or a nose job.

38. if you could change one thing about your personality, what would it be?
i would feel indifferent toward everyone so they couldn't hurt me.

39. have you ever cried in front of someone, and felt ashamed of it?
yes.

40. have you ever done drugs? are you on drugs? do you plan to take drugs?
i gets high on life, baby.

41. if you had to pick, what's your favorite song of the moment?
i don't have to pick, and i'm still not going to. there are too many to choose, or even narrow it down.

42. do you get most of your music from the internet, or from the store?
the store.

43. even though you can download music, do you still buy cds just because of the cd case, cd itself, or just general authenticity?
i like to read the liner notes and look at pictures of pretty people.

44. what one genre of music do you prefer above all?
see #41.

45. what genre of music would you never be caught dead with?
i sneer at pop but that's mostly for show.

46. what band/artist has impacted your life the most?
fuck you, survey. you can't make me choose.

47. what band/artist makes you cringe?
right now, coldplay, maroon 5 and li'l jon.

48. how many music files do you have on your computer?
thousands.

49. how many are legal?
maybe half.

50. what's your favorite movie?
this is fucking ridiculous. favorites questions are a bunch of crap. first of all, i doubt you'll find anyone who can actually pinpoint their all-time favorite anything, much less movies, which have so many appreciable characteristics that it is, in fact, impossible to assign value to them all. anyone who can answer this question isn't thinking hard enough, and his or her answer is, therefore, invalid. same with the music question.

51. generally, what genre of movies do you jump at the opportunity to see?
good ones.

52. who is the actress/actor you most admire?
all-time favorites include morgan freeman and johnny depp, for very different reasons. am i allowed to list tim burton, quentin tarantino and david koepp as favorite directors?

53. do you cry during/after certain movies?
yes.

54. what time of day do you prefer to see movies at (morning/noon/night)?
thou shan't end a sentence on a preposition. night, of course. who watches movies in the morning?

55. what is the tv show you never miss?
there isn't one anymore. i had x-fever, as you know, but that's four years over with, and i miss my soap all the time now, because of work.

56. what is it you like about it so much?
with the former it was the character development; the latter is just a nice escape.

57. what's the one tv show you can't stand?
"the real world" (sorry jodi).

58. do you think you spend more time watching the television or using the computer?
tie.

59. do you personally think that you spend too much time watching tv?
hard to say. i used to, definitely, but now it's just movies, and only at night, so probably not.

60. what's your favorite meal?
chinese or thai fried rice, garnished with vegetables.

61. how about your favorite desert?
tiramisu.

62. when only a kid, did you eat your vegetables?
"when only a kid," snort. yes, i always loved vegetables. broccoli is one of my favorite foods. i hated starches and fake food covered in cheez and i still do, and haven't eaten red meat for eight years, so vegetables was pretty much all there was.

63. do you still eat vegetables?
yes.

64. are you a poor, average or excellent cook?
i'm really only as good as the recipe is accurate. but i'm a good reader.

65. what type of food do you prefer?
asian.

66. salt or pepper?
neither, everything is overseasoned as it is.

67. ketchup or mustard?
ketchup on scrambled eggs but nothing else; mustard is pretty great.

68. do you prefer going out to breakfast, lunch or dinner?
breakfast sucks. i like dinner, and in fact, it is often the only meal of the day.

69. do you eat to live or live to eat?
meh, neither.

70. do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/crush?
yes.

71. are you in love? or are you using them?
assuming my perception is worth something, definitely in love. i don't use anybody, and never have.

72. do you find most of the time you dislike the people that like you and vice versa?
no, most people don't really dislike me. i'm pretty inoffensive.

73. in terms of relationships, are you loving or manipulative?
certain people tend to think everything is "manipulative," but no, i'm not manipulative, i'm loving. i pour it on nonstop. i'm pretty much a tattered loving mess.

74. do you live to love? or would you rather love to live?
headache.

75. do you believe that sex should come before or after marriage?
i appreciate arguments for both sides. personally i'm waiting till after, but it's none of my business what anyone else does.

76. have you been or do you plan to marry, if so at what age?
comma splice. and stupid question, because how should i know? i plan to marry at twenty-six. i'm going to hogtie the first attractive guy i bump into on my birthday and we're going to build a fabulous, dynamic, sexually intense life together, whether he likes it or not. stupid question. we'll see what happens.

77. do you have or do you plan to have children, if so how many?
comma splice, and i plan to have one child for every time i get pregnant.

78. are your parents married or divorced?
married.

79. would you want to have a big, spectacular wedding with everyone you know invited or a small, traditional, get-together with family and close-friends wedding?
comma splice.