The Life Of Me.

24th April 2005 - Find Me

Well...the last boyfriend...the one that I really, really loved...he treated me just like I hoped he wouldn't, cheating on me at some party with some girl. Some ugly girl aswell, guess that just shows a little bit of how much he thought of me. I could make up excuses for him, for why he did it, but I know I'll always blame myself. It's somehow my fault, I did something wrong, it's not because he's just fucked up. And even if I could blame him, I still fell for it. I still fell for the lies, fell for the fact he said he loved me, when he obviously didn't.

And it hurt. A lot. I seriously didn't eat for about two weeks lol, I had bits of toast here and there, but nothing substantial. And hey, I got happy at that fact, because I did lose weight, and I was proud...and that's not good. To be proud of not eating. Wasn't good.

But then...I moaned to my friend Gemma, "Find me a boyfrieeeeeeend." And she introduced me to her boyfriend's friend Martin, and he seemed really nice, talked to him on the internet. Then I arranged to meet him. And I fell for him. I'd seen photos, but when he came around the corner to meet me, my jaw dropped. We seemed to get on pretty well, and as the night went on, and more alcohol was consumed, we both confessed that we liked eachother, and kissing and hand holding ensued. He's amazing. I don't actually think he's a twat in any way. Like with Carl, unfixable emotional problems, Robbie, unfixable committment problems. Martin...I don't actually think he's fucked up. Maybe he is...but he's not a twat about it. And he is a good boyfriend, maybe too good in a way...but he really cares about me, and I do come first. I'm used to drama, to being hurt and being made cry...I know he's the best thing to happen to me, I deserve to be with someone who will treat me right. And I know he will.

When he walks away from me, it physically hurts. Especially when he looks back round and waves or blows me a kiss...it just hurts. Even when he goes offline, I really, really miss him and I get on a real downer about it. It's quite sad lol. And the way I feel about him...there isn't a word...because I don't just like him, it's more than that...but to say that I loved him? That would be a bit presumptuous after two weeks lol. So, there isn't a word to explain it. It's somewhere inbetween. If anybody knows that inbetweeny word...tell me...



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