what matters and why

one more

2.14.05

Amazing that one year ago, I was preparing myself to go out for the first time since our seperation in November. The evening didn't end well, with too many drinks and a minor car wreck. But I do recall that feeling of excitement that comes with meeting someone new and I wonder if I'll ever have that feeling again. I wasn't ready to leave then, but I was getting there. One year later, I'm alone in this house that I can't afford and can't take care of with not one child, but two now. And one who will only sleep an hour at a time. With that feeling lost comes a different feeling. The feeling that combines exhaustion and love in such a way that keeps you going every day. You never think it's possible to love another being as much as you do when they arrive. He is amazing, this new child. I look at him and can't believe he came from me. He completes this family, at least for now. And at twenty five, I have found dealing with an infant easier than it was at eighteen. Though a little more painful this time around, recovery has come quicker than I thought and I see the light at the end of the tunnel of sleepless nights. I will make it through this.

There are so many good things about this change we made. It's only us now, and we are forced now to depend on each other rather than relying on family. I love my independence and I love the chance to start over somewhere new. I love the anticipation of getting out and experiencing a whole new life. We manage, day in and day out to provide a decent living for these two amazing kids. But I wonder, did I want this anticipation so much that I overlooked all his hangups and deceit to get here? Did I sacrifice my own integrity by allowing him to have me back? I wanted to be here, but I did not want this marriage to fall back into the same pattern it was before the affair, and that's exactly what happened. We don't talk, we just live. He thinks I'm cold and distant and I wish he could change his addictive and secretive habits. I don't want to live a life of constant suspicion and distrust, but that's what happened. I'm constantly looking for something, anything. And sometimes I wish I would find something that would give me an out. I think I deserve financial and emotional security, and it's not going to happen here. But where would I go from here? I have no support system, it's only me. Am I strong enough I wonder to stand up for myself or will I still be here in five years, riding it out, hoping that he will someday prove that there is some self control left in himself. I try to stand up and I always back down. I'm not miserable; just satisfied. But I'm not inspired. I never have been. I'm not done with the anger and hurt that last year's events caused me, and in addition I'm not sure this is ever what I wanted to begin with. Not only that, but I resent him so much for continuing his selfish behavior financially. As frugal as I am, I don't think it's fair that I am forced to live paycheck to paycheck. There's all these issues that go unsaid. But they don't go away like he wants. One day I'm convinced I will explode. I say it has to change, and the result is a night of good sex and he believes it to be a cure all. Seems that it's the one thing that's changed for the better. But what is good sex when there is no emotional connection?

There must be a reason for us to be here. I look around sometimes and can't believe the changes that have occured over the last year. It's amazing our seven year old survived all we put him through. From apart to back together, from hatred to newfound respect. What an emotional roller coaster. Somehow, though I don't think it's over. Not so quickly.