Journal

random thoughts

I had a conversation with ferron a couple years ago, that i am remembering. It was around the time when i was worried about losing my friendship with her and dee, I told her that i have never had the same best friend for more then two years. It is like I get bored, or we just drift apart. I hear about best friends who have stayed that way since childhood or even jr. high and i am amazed. Right now I just feel alone. This weekend all i did was work. I didn't talk to anyone all weekend besides my family and lisa for a bit. It is weird, all this year I have been out every weekend doing something with my friends or alex. But this weekend and last i just have not been intrested. The same parties every weekend, the same petty drama, drinking, smoking, sex. I am bored. There is nothing stimulating my brain at the moment and I am lonely. Kellie is drifting farther and farther, her life seems to be all about her boyfriend, i'm not critizing really, just noting. I might sound pathatic or whatever, but i just feel undernurshed yet at the same time obsese. I have nothing to focus on except work. Huh, that's helping my bank account don't get me wrong. I just feel seperate from everyone. I almost ran into alex today, literally, i was walking in the grocrey store and i saw him before he saw me, i ducked and we walked right past each other with nothing but a rack of shoes in between us. i think he stopped when he saw me. i am not sure, my normal stride is quick and with the extra shot of adarline i'm sure i would have made a four minute mile easy. i don't even really know why. I don't think that i am in love with him anymore. i just can't stop thinking about him. but i feel like if anything happened and he asked me out again i would say no. weird. i still think about him, but i will not date him. i highly doubt that he still cares. he is probably working drinking and hanging out w/ his friends so he doesn't have to think. or maybe he didn't care ever. i do't know; right now that isn't the isuue. the issue is i am alone. i mean i like being alone, truly i do i just have no one to relate to. nothing to distract me from my thoughts. i can't stop thinking about my future. my imegantion is going crazy. i picture my future with half excitement half worry. i am a very independent person in some ways. however i am worried about money and people. i am worried that i will become a hermit. i am a very social person, but at times like these i distain immorality, and conformity. it covers everuthing right now. there is nothing pure. this whole connecting experience is not as easy as the media portrays it; here i am screwing the mold. eww that sounds gross. sorry. ;) i wonder.......... that's all i can do. i feel like i am just waiting for my life to start. i am in a holding area. senoritous. ok i can't spell worth a dead bug. i should be sleeping. school tommorow. do other people go through this? i am so insecure yet completely confiedent. i think that i am smart enough, yet will i be strong enough to face these next months. how will i pay for college? right now i'm listening to the red hot chili peppers. the hits cd.

i wish......... i knew what i wanted to do with my life...... i had some defining talent that would give my life purpose. i don't want to be another face. at the moment i can't stand conformity. lol i think reading these words is actually making me more spiteful towards others. not shocking me into sense. well i am going to do research on rome so i'll write the next time i am inclined to do so.