Personal Journal

Super Sunday? That's almost funny.

It's not been a bad day so far. I'm down. I'm not sure I'm "used" to it, but I think I understand it. Really lonely, because I don't think I've watched a superbowl alone in ... 10 or 15 years. People are generally festive on this day in my experience (I guess I've known a lot of football fans).

I got angry about something unwarranted this morning, it doesn't deserve recounting here. It was another incident really where seeing an opportunity to get angry about something provided a nice escape from pain.

I was in the shower after my walk, and the anger started to go, and issues with Jean started in. Today's shower flashback episode was remembering calling everyone to tell them that Jean had passed.

I'm looking back at myself making those calls - I am pretty sure that I cried when I called Hospice, and I think I called them first. But hell, I don't really remember who I called first. Hospice or Jean's mom. And I can see myself downstairs making those calls, and I can't associate any feeling with them. So I think that bubble is going to burst soon.

I haven't really cried today.

So I was feeling SO all alone I decided to try to reach some people, and I finally got a hold of Cindy, and she asked how I was, and I said lonely, and I guess she didn't hear me or didn't want to, and we were off the phone after just a couple of minutes.

I guess I'm struggling today.
Yeah, that's what it is.

It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot
Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn